Post Birthday Party Thoughts

Yesterday, we had Lucia's birthday party.  It was a small affair - three other families came for hot dogs and macaroni and cheese and the best cupcakes I've ever made (I think I'll be sharing the recipe soon - they were truly fabulous), and six kids under five playing and sleeping and eating.  It was the first time we've hosted more than one family in our home since we've been married and even though our home is a bit small and probably couldn't hold much more than attended, the first question out of my mouth to David this morning was, "Can we have a Valentine's party?  Or St. Patrick's day?"  

Because it was so, so fun.  It turns out that I probably more of an extravert because it was incredibly refreshing to spend a day with friends.  I always underestimate the value of adult conversations while the kids play underfoot.  In typical fashion, the men stood around the grill chatting while the women sat around the living room doing the same.  It's such a blessing to have friends with similar values and lifestyles as us.  I realized that all of us cloth diaper at least part time!  The dads that were here spent plenty of time on the floor with the kids or in Lucia's bedroom upstairs with the kids while the moms were able to talk.  And it's probably obvious by the number of children that all of us value family life.  In fact, between the four families, there will be two more little ones for Lulu's party next year.  (We also had a few families who couldn't join us, so if we're living in this same townhouse, we'll have to find a new venue.  Is that reason enough to move into a new home when our lease expires?)  

I'll probably be sharing some more about Lucia's birthday, party, and her "official" TWO year old post replete with pictures during the upcoming week, but I just wanted to share some of my random post-party thoughts today.

And while you are here, won't you take a look at the small businesses that are advertising with me this month?  I've been offering free advertising to small businesses for the holiday season and it has been a pleasure to get acquainted with such creative entrepreneurs and small businesses.  If you don't have all your Christmas presents ready yet (despite my best attempts, I don't either), please consider sponsoring small business with your purchases!

Get 20% off the Pray the Rosary CD and DVD from www.PraytheRosaryDVD.com with code "blessedlife" 

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Pregnancy Loss: My Grief To-Do List

A contributor of one of the pregnancy loss books I read (Sunshine After the Storm) wrote this about a "grief checklist":

This is a tool to help you build a list to help others help you. Friends and family may not have any idea of what would be helpful to you.  It is wonderful when people just DO things, but often they may ask you what you need...

I've been thinking quite a bit about what would have been helpful right after my loss (and what would be helpful still).  The first few days, I had no idea how I felt, and therefore didn't know what exactly I needed.  I received some kind offers for help from friends, but I didn't take them up on them.  In hindsight, I should have.  After about a week, I could tell people exactly what I needed, but at that point, most had stopped asking if they could help and I didn't feel comfortable asking.  

I'm totally in agreement with the quote above - it was much more helpful for someone to just DO than to ASK.  Just call and say you are bringing over dinner.  Just call and say, "I'm coming over so you don't have to be alone." or "I'm picking up Lucia so you and David can spend time together."  If I really didn't want you to, I would say so.  But if you ask if you can do those things, I will most likely say no because as much as I know I should accept help, I hate to inconvenience others. 

I'm not writing this as a guideline of what you should do if you have a friend who has experienced pregnancy loss or what you yourself will need if you go through this.  This is a list of my own personal needs, though I suspect that many women have similar needs (many of these ideas I got through reading about others experiences and realizing Yes, that would help me too.)  Grief is different for everyone; some women will find comfort in certain things that would only further the pain for other, but you can use this as a jumping off point for writing your own list or coming up with ideas to help those you love.  

• Say "I'm sorry". I know it's hard to say the perfect thing (is there a perfect thing to say anyway?) but it's unfortunately easy to say something hurtful, especially if you haven't experienced a loss yourself.  You can't go wrong with a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss".  
• Tell me you are praying for me. And then pray.  A lot.
• Acknowledge that I lost a CHILD.  A baby. A person. A unique human being.  Do not use a euphemism like "tissue" or "pregnancy" or "possibility of a child" or "opportunity".  A good rule of thumb for what to say after a loss is to only say things you would say to a parent that lost a 10 year old.  Would you tell them, "You can always get pregnant again"? For me, that meant that the speaker didn't recognize my child was unique and could never be replaced.  I don't just mourn the fact that I won't have a baby to hold come May, but I miss that specific, irreplaceable child with his/her own personality, preferences and quirks.  
• Don't call my baby an "angel".  This is something that's very specific to me, I'm sure many other mothers don't mind or actually prefer "angel baby".  I'm not sure if there are any Christian faiths that believe that people in heaven become angels, but as a Catholic, I believe that angels are beings created separately from humans.  I have no doubt that my child is in heaven.  But wings?  No.  I want my child to be celebrated for what he/she really is - a child of God who is in heaven with Him.  I understand the good intentions behind this, but similar to how I imagine atheists feel when you try to comfort them by telling them their loved one is in heaven, it's not comforting to me to be told that my child is something I don't believe he/she can be. 
• Ask me about it.  I want to talk about it, but it's a hard topic for me to bring up, especially if I don't know how you might react.  Ask me how I am doing.  Ask me if I want to talk about it.  Ask me to tell you about how the actual miscarriage happened.  Ask me about my feelings and my fears.  If I really am not feeling like talking about it, I will just tell you.  But I don't know if I've ever felt that way - I'm still dying to talk about it to anyone who asks.  And if you worry about what to say in return, you don't have to say much.  Just listen.  You can ask questions if you have them.  It does not open a wound for you to bring it up - believe me, two months later it is still the foremost thought on my mind.
• Ask me my baby's name.  Seriously, it was the most touching thing when someone asked me if we named our child, if I minded sharing the name, and then when they used the name in conversation.  I haven't shared the name publicly yet, I just haven't felt comfortable doing so, but I have been happy to share the name with friends and family one-on-one.  
• Don't ignore it.  Whatever you do, don't act like it never happened.  It did happen.  One of my greatest fears is that no one else will remember this child of mine existed.  Remind me that you still remember.
• Ask me how I'm doing. One of my biggest struggles is feeling like people expect me to already be over it.  I felt that way within a week of the miscarriage because after the initial round of "I'm sorries", very few mentioned it or asked me how I was doing.  Just having a few people checking in on me periodically made me feel like I had the "approval" to still be mourning and struggling.  I don't know why but I really needed (and still need) friends and family to acknowledge that it's normal and expected that I'm not "over it" and haven't "moved on" yet.
• Spend time with me.  Just come over and sit with me.  It's hard to be alone with my thoughts during the day when David is gone.
• Send me flowers. People send flowers when a baby is born.  When a person dies.  I so badly wanted flowers because I felt like they signified that my baby was real, that the loss was real. Ask my husband, in the few days following the miscarriage, I told him many times, "I wish someone would just send us flowers." Thankfully, David's coworkers sent us a beautiful bouquet and I felt a burden lifted off my shoulders when it arrived at the front door.
• Send a card. I received only one card after my miscarriage and it meant so, so much to me.  I will keep that card forever. When someone loses a loved one, people send cards and just like the flowers, it was significant to me because it told me that the sender acknowledged that I actually lost a a child.  It is also something physical that I can hold and look at to remember my baby's short life - with a miscarriage, especially an early one, there aren't many physical mementos for the parents to keep.
• Give me something to remember my baby by. Again, something physical that I can hold and touch when it gets hard and all I want to do is hold and touch my baby.  Something concrete that reminds me that other people knew my baby existed, that my baby was real and not just a creation of my mind.  Some ideas: a rosary or prayer card, a baby item (hat, booties, etc.), something with the baby's name on it, a Christmas ornament that I can hang for our baby every year. 
• Offer specific help with the day-to-day tasks.  For me, it's so hard to keep the household running smoothly when I can't focus on anything but the overwhelming sadness.  The first few weeks were even more difficult because I was also physically weak.  Everything is difficult - laundry, grocery shopping, making dinner.  Even playing with Lucia is hard.  I am doing better now, but especially those first few weeks were riddled with guilt on top of grief - guilt that I was not able to focus on Lucia, I lost patience with her, often just needed to lay in bed all day, and I was overall not able to care for her like I should have because I was so wrapped up in my own sadness.  If you could take her somewhere fun or just come play with her while I rest, that would be wonderful.  Bring me dinner (or gift cards for take out).  Drop off groceries and household staples like toilet paper. 
• Remember these dates with me: October 10 and May 8.  The first is the day I lost my baby.  The date on my child's grave marker.  The second is my expected due date.  I am already bracing myself for how hard all of May will be, but especially that specific date.  An estimate of when I would have held my sweet one in my arms.  If you sent me a card on those days, or called me, or plan to spend time with me on those days, I would feel a little less alone.  Also, holidays, like Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Mother's Day will be hard.  Let me know you're specifically thinking and praying for me on those days.  And not just this first year.  This year will be hardest, but every year on those dates and holidays will be difficult.
• Use delicacy when announcing/discussing your pregnancies. I don't want you to hide your joy or to feel like I'm not happy for you.  Because I am, I am so, so happy for you!  Having lost my child does not diminish the miracle of yours.  I'm not jealous - I don't wish you wouldn't have a baby and I don't wish that your baby was mine.  It's just a reminder of my own loss.  And sometimes that reminder is too much.  Too raw.  Especially if you have a due date close to mine - it's like the ghost of my pregnancy haunting me.  All I ask is that you initially tell me in private, especially if you plan to later announce in public where I might not have the chance to privately deal with my emotions.  By all means, share with me the big news - the healthy ultrasounds and the sex if you find out - but I could probably skip the minute details of your pregnancy, especially the complaining.  You have every right to complain - pregnancy is HARD - but just not to me, please?  Not now.  If I ask, complain away!  Sometimes I feel perfectly fine talking about it.  But sometimes, it's just like a knife to the heart. I'm currently fine being around babies, but I anticipate that I may have a hard time being around newborns come May when I would have had a newborn myself - keep that in mind as well.  If I choose not to hold your baby or wait a while before coming to visit after the birth, be patient with me.

If you've experiences a pregnancy loss, I'd love to hear about how your list differed from mine.  Is anything on my "to-do" list on your "don't-do" list?  What did/do you need that I didn't mention?  I think it's helpful to see the great differences in how people grieve and what they need in the wake of a loss.

My Wish List

*This post may contain affiliate links.*

As I get older, the number of people who ask for my wish list gets shorter and shorter.  My parents and in-laws usually give us money toward larger gifts (this year it's professional family photos and plane tickets home for the holidays).  But, I do usually get a few "What would you like?" questions around the holidays and even more before my birthday in March, so I try to keep a wish list of a few items I've had my eye on.  Here are my top contenders this year:

Cheese Journal

After mentioning a few times recently that I wanted a cheese journal, a friend responded, "Oh Mandi, you and your cheese journal!"  Not exactly sure what she meant by that but it is no secret that I am a huge cheese fan.  I love picking up a new, exotic cheeses every time I go to the grocery store and I'd like to be able to rate each one and remember my favorites.

Verily Magazine

A wonderful, smart alternative to the mostly rubbish women's magazines on the market, Verily has been on my wish list for quite some time. 

Spa Services

I will never turn down a massage, manicure, pedicure, or haircut.  Never, ever.

Conserve Energy-Saving Products

This is definitely a gift on the functional side, but I love these various sockets and surge protectors that save energy around the home. Ten years ago, I would be scandalized that I would someday ask for these for gifts, but I wasn't paying utility bills then!

Eternity Chapel Veil

I like wearing chapel veils to Mass, but rarely do because (1) I always forget mine and (2) I feel like mine is constantly sliding off and I have to keep readjusting it, which distracts from Mass.  I've heard great things about eternity veils from women who say they're great for keeping them on when little hands are tugging on them.  Navy blue is my favorite color and I think this one is just so lovely.

Gift Cards

If you want to send me a gift card, I'd love restaurant and movie theatre gift cards for date nights or craft store gift cards to help me get the sewing machine out of it's box for the first time.  Also, if you wanted to get me a gift card to a cleaning service, I probably would not protest too much.

 

 Saints Planner 

I've been looking for a great planner that included Church solemnities and feast days to make it easier for me to incorporate liturgical year celebrations into our daily life.  Plus, I am in dire need of a planner, any planner, to keep our schedule straight. 

Books

I always have a long list of books on my wish list.  At the top right now: The Handbook for Catholic Moms, God's Secret Agents, Maise Dobbs, Pope Awesome and Other Stories, and The Sinner's Guide to Natural Family Planning.  

Garlic Peeler

Another really simple, practical item, but oh how I would love to not have to peel garlic by hand!  I've been eying one of these since I saw my sister-in-law use one.

Since there is currently a Christmas gift-giving link up, I thought I would join.  It's true that this is a wish list and not gift ideas for others, but I think most of these are some pretty swell ideas for the women in your life, although I would use some discretion with some of the above depending on whether those ladies you are buying for are not cheese lovers or garlic lovers or Catholic.  Check there for other ideas and if you have a one-year-old to buy for, I have some ideas for one-year-olds here as well. 

$3 and 3 minute St. Lucia Crown

This Friday, December 13th, is the Feast Day of St. Lucy.  Only two days away, you would think it's a bit too late for a craft tutorial, but this one is so quick and easy, you have plenty of time!

The traditional St. Lucia celebration in Sweden includes a St. Lucia crown - an evergreen wreath with candles in it (maybe you remember this from the American Girl Kirsten?).  Lucia is finally old enough to be involved in a bit of her name day celebration, so I was determined to make her a crown this year.  I went to the craft store and bought all these things to make an elaborate (and somewhat expensive) crown. Then I went to the dollar store and found items for a much easier, much, much cheaper version.  Here's what I did:

I bought garland ($1) and 2 two-packs of taper candles ($1 x 2).

Then, I cut the candles in half. You might be able to leave them whole for order kids, but they just seemed too long for little Lucia (and easier to break if they were whole).  I just sawed through them with a steak knife.

I didn't even unwrap the garland - the size it came rolled up in the package was perfect for a tiny toddler head, but if you need too, you can unwrap it and rewrap it in the size you need for your child. I pulled out enough length to go around the garland twice, then pushed the candles down into the garland.  I wrapped the length I had pulled out around each individual candle twice to keep it in place and wound the end of the garland under the wreath to secure it.  That's it.  If you wanted more stability, you could buy stem wire from the craft store and tie it in strategic places.  As is, though, it would work fine for older children and for toddlers, well, I kind of feel like they would be able to pull it apart no matter what.

 Naked toddler not included.

With liturgically colored candles, this could make a decent last minute Advent wreath as well.  (It's not too late to start celebrating Advent!  If you've been wanting to, just jump right in, no need to wait for next year!)  And if you are interested in incorporating more feast days celebrations throughout the year (without becoming overwhelmed), I can't recommend Haley and Daniel Stewart's Feast! Real Food, Reflections, and Simple Living for the Christian Year enough.  It is now available in ebook and PRINT!

 

The Struggles & Vocation of Motherhood

Today, I have my first piece over at Catholic Exchange!  I'm sharing a bit about the vocation of marriage and motherhood and how the struggles they bring are exactly what I need. 

This afternoon, I spent three hours trying to put my daughter down for a nap.  (And she didn’t end up sleeping at all.)  This is a common occurrence in my daily routine and I usually spend the hours lamenting my wasted time.  But today, I chose a different approach: I spent the time contemplating how this particular struggle can bring me closer to God.

Recently, I’ve begun to embrace the struggles of marriage and motherhood.  The sweet, tender kisses of a toddler, the late night laughs with my husband (usually over a bowl of ice cream), and picturesque fall days spent together as a family are wonderful.  They remind me of God’s love and care, his beauty and blessings.  But they don’t challenge me.  If anything, they make me complacent in my faith.  When everything here on earth seems perfect, I stop striving quite so hard for heaven...continue reading at Catholic Exchange

And while I'm here, can I tell you a bit about my day yesterday?  It started out a bit awful - running late to a doctor's appointment due to heavy traffic, had to drive directly to the office instead of dropping off Lucia at a friends, only to find out that I was actually early - two hours early - for the appointment.  Not a recipe for a great day.  But I headed over to my friend's house to wait for my appointment, which helped immensely.  Then, when I got to my appointment on time, I waited 50 minutes to actually see the doctor.  Which at other times might bother me, but my friend had just gifted me a book on miscarriage and 50 minutes in a comfy chair in a waiting room with a book and no toddler was actually more akin to heaven than pre-mommy me could ever imagine.  

Then I returned to pick Lucia up to be told that she was "wonderful" the whole time, despite the fact it was in the middle of naptime and I expected a meltdown, AND she ate a sizable lunch in the midst of a nearly month-long hunger strike.  My friend lives right by Trader Joe's (and we do not) so we swung by on the way home for "just a few things".  $100 and a full cart later, Lucia was still in a great mood sans nap and yesterday proved to be one of the best days in quite a while, capped off with dinner with friends.  I guess that just goes to show you never know.  And if I had let the initial doctor appointment stress get to me, I would probably have ended up recording this in the annals of awful days. 

Random picture of toddler vs. burger.  Back when toddler actually ate food.