What We Do

As a parent, I feel like I’m constantly told what not to do: 
“Don’t spoil your child.”
“Don’t let her watch too much television.”
“Don’t give her junk food.”
“Don’t yell.”

It’s not that I disagree with any of those statements.  (For the record, I don’t.)  It’s the focus on the negative.  Stop telling me what not to do and start focusing on what I should do:

“Teach your child gratitude.”

“Engage her in a variety of activities every day.”

“Feed her a variety of healthy foods.

“Speak to her with love and respect.”

When did our society become more interested in what we don’t do than what we do?  Is it any surprise then that groups of people are defined by their “restrictions”?

“Look at those Catholics! They don’t eat meat on Fridays! They can’t have sex before marriage! They don’t use birth control! They’re against abortion! They don’t….” 

My goodness, we look like a group of highly repressed people, don’t we? What horrible lives we must have! Oh, that we were known for what we do:

“Look at those Catholics! They joyfully make sacrifices to cultivate self-control! They have such high esteem of marriage! They believe that sex is sacred and that children are a blessing! They fight for the disadvantaged and respect the sanctity of life at all stages!  They are so kind and compassionate!  They live such joyful lives!  They follow Christ!”

I like to blame this “emphasis on the negative” on our society as a whole and mainstream media in specific, but it’s time that I’m honest with myself.  We are - I am - part of the problem.  If I live my life in a way that makes it obvious what I stand for then nothing, not even a force like the media, could characterize me by what I stand against. 

Social media is an incredible evangelizing tool for the Church; it’s so powerful that it has been given the name “the New Evangelization”.  It’s where people are and as Catholics, that’s where we need to be as well.  I’m blessed to be part of a large community of Catholics on facebook and twitter and when I think about the majority of information I see shared through these media, I’m sad to say that much of it is exactly what I’m lamenting - articles and statuses and tweets that share what we don’t do, what we don’t support, what we don’t believe. 

I recognize the need to defend ourselves from the many misconceptions out there but, when what we share may be the majority of interactions some people have with the faith, these constant defenses make us appear as a people in chains instead of a people of freedom and joy. 

So I challenge you today to define yourself by what you do and share that person, and the faith behind that person, with the world.  Focus on each action and word as if it’s the only contact with the Catholic faith that the people around you have and make sure that what you do is powerful and cannot be misconstrued.    

Lent and the Human Need for the Liturgical Year

Every year around Ash Wednesday, I see and hear comments to the effect of, "Why do Catholics give up things for Lent?  Shouldn't you be bettering yourself for the Lord year round?"  

Yes, absolutely!  Every day we should be striving to be a better Christian, to know God better, and to better give of ourselves to help others.  Every day.  

For Christians who do not follow the liturgical calendar, I imagine Lent often appears as a shallow, self-centered time.  They hear people discussing what they are giving up and the connections to Christ aren't obvious.  Is your friend giving up sweets to lose weight or to become closer to God?  What does drinking (or not drinking) soda have anything to do with Christ?  Unfortunately, many Catholics (and I only speak for Catholics, because I'm one) are poorly catechized and so Lent does become a show of their own self-control or a chance to re-do failed New Year's resolutions, this time with a little extra motivation in the form of Jesus.  Rarely do we say, "I'm giving up X because it will bring me closer to Christ and help me share in his suffering.  Let me tell you how..."  

For those Christians that observe Lent and the liturgical year*, Lent is not the only time to better ourselves.  It's not the only time to give up sinful habits.  And in fact, Lent is not simply about "giving something up".  It is a time of repentance, during which we acknowledge our sinfulness as we approach the yearly commemoration of the Lord's Death and Resurrection and in acknowledging our sinfulness, we cannot help but repent.  We strive to understand the sacrifice of Jesus Christ by making sacrifices of our own.  

One of the ways we can sacrifice is by giving things up - they need not be sinful things - but things that we will miss and in their absence we will be called to become closer to Christ.  For example, someone may give up social media which is not in and of itself sinful (though it can certainly be used that way).  In giving up social media, the person will have more time to do more productive Christ-centered things - pray, volunteer, better care for her family, etc.  If someone does give up something sinful, it shouldn't be with the intent to take it back up at the end of the 40 days, but in hopes that a long period of time away from that sin will release the hold it has on the person.  40 days is more than enough time to rid oneself of a bad habit...

Or start a new one.  Many people choose to add something beneficial in addition to or instead of giving something up: additional prayer time, weekly time in adoration, daily Mass, more quality time with family, spiritual reading, etc.

(For a really great Q&A on Lent, including why we fast, why we abstain from meat, why it's 40 days, why Sunday is not counted, etc. click here.)

So, back to the original question: Why don't we simply better ourselves year round for God?  Why do we need liturgical season?  

I'm sure there are some fancy theological explanations out there, but I'm not a theologian and I doubt you came to my blog so that you could see me re-quote them.  So here is my explanation, a simple lay person's explanation:  

We need liturgical seasons because we are human.  We are fallible and sinful and limited.  Our relationship with God is complex and we are incapable of delving into each aspect of our relationship with him deeply on any given day, or even on our own.  The Church knows that we need help.  She reminds us at different times of the year to concentrate on different aspects of our relationship with Christ. 

Most Christians celebrate Christmas and Easter.  Why is that?  It is instrumental that we have a special day (or season) set aside to commemorate these important moments in our faith.  But shouldn't we be celebrating the message of Christmas and Easter each day?  Yes!  But we need MORE.  It's not enough to leave it to our own devices.  We are human.  We need help.  We need reminders.  We need periods of time set aside when we are told, "You need to remember your sinfulness.  You need to repent.  You need to further your humility," or "You need to rejoice that Christ has saved you by His sacrifice!"   The liturgical seasons are not there to put additional limitations and rules on humanity but are there because we as humans are limited.  The Church does not demand structure, instead it is the Church who, in Her infinite wisdom, takes pity on our weakness and gives us structure to help us overcome it.  The liturgical calendar is a gift!

And if I haven't already gotten my point across, let me share with you a story: Imagine a son and mother.  The son adores his mother.  Every day, he shows his mother love by obeying her.  At bedtime, he kisses her and tell her he loves her.  He cherishes his mother.  But on a few days a year, he goes above and beyond.  A few days before Mother's Day he makes her a card.  As he contemplates what to write in the card, he thinks of all his mother does for him and in doing so he becomes even more grateful for her love and sacrifices.  He comes to understand more deeply the woman who is his mother and he commits to being an even better son in return.  On the days leading up to her birthday, he again prepares a gift for his mother and in doing so, he again begins to reflect on what a gift his mother is, but this time, it being her birthday and not Mother's Day, he reflects on not just her role as his mother but the many roles she holds - wife, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, employee, church member, neighbor, etc - and he is again humbled with gratitute, but this time in a different way, for his woman who is his mother.   

We are like that son, we may strive to obey and love our God everyday, but it is helpful to us, in our frail humanity, to live our lives by a calendar that yearly calls us to contemplate Christ in different ways at various times.  Lent is one of those times.  One of those gifts.  Take advantage of it. 

 

*Catholic and Orthodox Christians are not the only denominations that observe the liturgical year.  Anglicans, Lutherans, and others do as well.

An open letter to women who have left the Catholic Church

We want to invite you to come talk with us, and we are excited to meet you! Just like you, we are daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers; students, professionals, and stay-at-home moms. We are teenagers, 20-somethings, 30-somethings, and beyond. We are from many walks of life and from diverse backgrounds, but we share a common faith - one we want to invite you to revisit.

Some of us have been away from the Church, and by one way or another we've come back. Some of us never left - but that doesn't mean we’ve never questioned nor been confused. Some of us were raised outside of the Church, and made the decision to join as adults. In one way or another, each one of us has come to know and love Christ in the Catholic Church - and in keeping with Pope Francis’ request we want to share that love and joy with you.

Being Catholic isn’t easy, and we’ll be the first to tell you that we aren’t perfect; we have many planks in our own eyes to worry about. Our faith embraces paradoxes, challenges our culture's values, and makes us feel uncomfortable when we are called to examine our actions and our motivations. But - as you already know - just because something is challenging does not mean it is not worthwhile.

We know that you are intelligent and capable. We believe that you deserve answers to your questions, and explanations for the teachings with which you're struggling. We’ve all struggled with various aspects of our faith, but we aren’t here to judge or condemn you. We simply want to listen to what you’re feeling. We want to understand what is making you uncertain about being part of our Catholic faith. We want to help you find the answers and explanations that helped bring us home. We want to meet you, we want to hear about your experience, and most importantly, we want to invite you back.

Feel free to email any of us with questions or concerns you may have about the Church, her teachings, or what reversion means. If you’re not ready to bare your soul to complete strangers, we’d love to direct you to sites that helped us (and still help us) as we discerned our calling in life.

Wherever you are, whatever you believe, know that we are praying for you. You are our sister - another woman navigating a challenging world. We look forward to talking with you!

In The Peace and Love of Christ,

The members of #cathsorority

Our (Family) Plans: How Pregnancy Loss Changed Our View of the Future

A reader asked the following question and I decided that it was a good starting point to share how we are moving forward with our family plans following two miscarriages.


Does pregnancy loss affect your view on having more kids? Well, yes and no and maybe.  

It affects it in the sense that it's no longer a given that David and I will have a large family.  We always assumed that we would have a family of 5+ (living) children but with two miscarriages, I'm realizing that having a large family may be much harder than we thought and may not, in fact, even be possible for us.  I had a very uncomplicated first pregnant and while it took us longer than average to get pregnant, we did not experience infertility and we kind of took having children for granted.  We're much more aware of the blessings of children and the unpredictability of fertility.  So in that way, it completely changed our view.

Has it changed how many children we want or how we will decide to space or children, etc.?  I'm not sure yet.  We still want a large family, but it may change whether we actually plan to have a large family (as much as you can plan those things...) A lot of that will depend on whether we discover a cause for our losses and if that cause is treatable.  We will be learning Creighton (a method of Natural Family Planning/Fertility Awareness) and charting our cycles for our doctor to examine in order detect hormonal imbalances or other underlying issues.  I do know that my progesterone was low during this last pregnancy and we were supplementing it.  We will also be doing testing for clotting disorders.  If a cause is found and there is a well-known treatment (that is affordable to us), then we may still be able to have many children and will have some confidence going into future pregnancies with a medical "plan" in place.

If a cause isn't found or it's a cause that isn't treatable, or if it is too expensive for us to treat, I know we'll eventually try again anyway - the odds of carrying a child to term are still in our favor.  I don't know how long it will be before we are ready emotionally and physically to do so.  If our next try results in another loss, I'm not sure what we would do going forward.  I imagine we'll keep trying.  David and I feel very strongly that we will have another living child but we also feel strongly that we will have more miscarriages.  I think miscarriages will definitely prompt us to put more space between pregnancies because two losses close together have been very physically and emotionally exhausting for me and I feel like I need to be completely recovered before we try again.  (Or as recovered as possible.  I imagine the emotional pain will never completely cease, but that is will at some point reach it's low point.)

I sometimes feel a desire to pursue adoption instead.  It seem easier, like less of a risk though I know of families who have also experienced the painful loss of a child when an adoption falls through. The expense of adopting is certainly a hurdle for us, although medical tests and treatments for a pregnancy might be as well. I also believe that adoption is a special calling, not just a "last resort" for couples who cannot conceive or carry to term, and while I have always had a little seed of desire to adopt regardless of whether we can have a family of biological children or not, are not feeling that is the path for us to take at this moment.  We will certainly consider adoption often over the years as we continue to seek to expand our family.

After Lucia was born we wanted to never using NFP again and simply get pregnant when we get pregnant, but it seems as though that may no longer be the option.  I would love the idea of surprise pregnancies, but I have a feeling that ours will always have to be carefully planned for some reason or another - either to help us get pregnant or to know when we need to do supplementation or other treatment to reduce the risk of miscarriages - and that makes me a bit sad.  I don't like the idea of pregnancy being more of a medicalized and highly planned experience instead of a completely natural one, though I am certainly grateful to medical science if it can help us reduce the risk of losing another baby.

In short, yes, it absolutely changes our view of our future family, but I'm not exactly sure how or to what extent yet.  It's something that is going to evolve as we gain new information and as we go through more pregnancies. For the time being, the testing and charting will put off another pregnancy for some time and, while I know the waiting will be difficult (already is difficult), I'm actually quite glad to have that decision made for us at this time.  I am looking forward to this period as a time of healing.  We're going to focus on making a full life for our family of three, getting involved in our community, getting healthy, and dedicating time to new endeavors (I'm going to finally take my sewing machine out of the box).  Most of all, we're going to start living in the present and let God take care of the future. 

Let your nosy out.

Have a burning question to ask me?  About my family?  How we handle bedtime or tantrums?  About pregnancy loss?  Or NFP?  Or the Catholic faith?  Or anything else?  Now is your chance to ask and I promise I'll answer in a FAQ posts (or maybe your question will even warrant a post of it's own).  If it's a very personal question, I may just answer in an email, but I will answer. 

Leave your question below or tweet me or facebook me.  Or email me.  Or send me a message in a bottle.  Whatever works for you.