I've recently been looking for resources on raising only children. David and I still hope to have a large family, but Lucia is currently and could always be an only child. She'll be around four by the time the next child comes along, at the earliest. Being a part of Catholic circles, both in real life and the blogging world, I'm constantly hearing about all the benefits of siblings. I agree that one of the greatest gifts you can give your child is siblings, but not all parents can give that gift.
Most of the Catholic families I know have I second child long before the first is four and I've been having a hard time finding advice for raising my little one. Many of the things I have questions about (like how do I get Lucia to play independently and not cling to me 24 hours a day, or how to work on sharing) receive the answer "siblings". Which at best is not helpful and at worst breaks my heart. It's not their fault, I know. That was the answer that worked for them. But for me, it's not a possibility in the near future.
I really wish there were some resources to give me some pointers for socializing and teaching compassion and cooperation without siblings. For example, I've been reading quite a bit recently about the drawbacks of overprotecting children. Like this one saying mollycoddled kids 'grow up as narcissists' and that free play teaches them empathy. Have you noticed that first time moms tend to overprotect and become more relaxed with each subsequent child? Even if experience doesn't teach her to loosen up over time, necessity does. With more children, there is less of mom to go around; children must become more independent, and they have opportunities for free play to learn patience and empathy and cooperation 24 hours a day. I'm not saying that moms of many don't have to work on teaching those things (believe me, I know siblings fight!) but that the opportunity for continual practice has obvious benefits.
I know raising only children to be independent and empathetic can be done, but it requires much more intentional parenting to create opportunities for these lessons. I have to seek out those practicing opportunities with Lucia and then need to make the most of them. And because I have the time and ability to do everything for Lucia, I need to force myself to stand back while she learns on her own.
So I've been looking for advice from parents who have been there. But everything I find about parenting a single child seems to have such a smug attitude or worldly outlook. "Good for you parenting an only child! How responsible you are! You're saving the environment! Ending overpopulation! Kids are expensive and you only have to pay for one! With only one child you can have family without having to sacrifice career!"
I just don't agree with that mentality. At all. I don't want to be told that having only one child is somehow morally superior. After all, this is not a choice I've made. I'd prefer a van load of raucous children, the anathema of the champions of "one and done". As Annie said, it's difficult to have "society patting you on the back [while] you're mourning." Indeed.
What do you think of putting Lucia in preschool? She might be eligible for a 3 year old program in the fall depending on her birthday and the cut-off. It doesn't need to be even close to full time, but it might help her to become more independent, to take instructions from other adults and to make new friends, which can turn into playdates and things like that.
ReplyDeleteEllen, I've thought about it but after looking at prices in our area, it's not something we can do financially right now. Her birthday is in December, so she doesn't qualify for any 3 year old programs.
DeleteWhat about Head Start? That might be more affordable.
DeleteMy eldest and middle child are four years apart (again, planned by God, not us). I took my older (who is a boy) to a ton of playgroups, open play at libraries, and playdates. He also didn't start preshool until age 4, but I don't think that effected him socially. The nice thing about that age gap is that he really appreciates his little sister (he will be 7 and she just turned 3) and is very patient with her. It is weird parenting my now three year old and almost one year old -more typical mom juggling, tantrums, etc,which I am not used to! But I would advice socializing a lot so your little one gets used to sharing, etc.
ReplyDeleteWe do story hour at the library one day a week, I truly wish they had it even twice a week and it has honestly helped with sharing, empathy, behavior, and any other social skills I simply can't accomplish during the day with just the two of us. I do understand how you feel we are going through terrible twos and everyone says he needs a sibling and he will straighten right out, a sibling is something we can not give him at the moment and won't be able to for at least 2 more years.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any advice, but totally understand where you're coming from about getting patted on the back for having an only child. It's very frustrating because it's not by choice! Hang in there mama - you're not alone!
ReplyDeleteI would just take her out a lot to playgrounds, playdates, playgroups and sit back and relax. But, honestly I wouldn't worry about it. She's 2....really still just a baby in many ways. That mollycoddlying article applies to older kids, really. Just take her places and then relax and just watch her play and explore, but don't hover or follow, etc.
ReplyDeleteDoes your parish offer Mom's Day Out programming? This is a great resource for many of the moms in my community and is typically a low to no cost program- especially for families who are employed by the parish or its school.
ReplyDeleteAre there other SAHMs at your parish that you could have play dates or group babysitting trades with during the week? (I love the group babysitting in my community- 3 or 4 moms get together and trade days "off" so that while one or two moms are "off" a couple of the other moms watch all the kiddos.)
Meet-up (http://www.meetup.com) is also a good way of finding mom and me play groups and similar activities. (Works great for grown-ups too! There are groups for every interest and it is a low pressure way to meet new people.)
First of all, you are too young to be resigning yourself to having an only child! Noone knows what the future holds but there is always hope. Second, there are a lot of moms with large families who end up having one child spaced away from the others and they feel like they have an "only child". Perhaps seeking them out would give you an opportunity to ask questions and seek encouragement. From a mom who has the perspective of BTDT but also had to chart this territory herself. Third, I think the playdate idea is a good one. Especially in your home. There is nothing like having to share your own toys. :) Eventually, that will also buy you some time to accomplish things and have her happily entertained with a friend. Obviously, there is some time and effort up front for you to make sure everyone is playing nicely. And lastly, stop worrying about it. Lucia will be fine. Even if she was an only child. You are going to encourage good attitudes and good attitudes you will get.
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DeleteWith my guy (turns 2 at the end of May) we try to get out of the house at least one day a week. Which is hard for me because I am a homebody to the core. We go to our local Family Museum where we have a membership, library story hour, Monkey Joe's (an indoor inflatable bouncy place) or sometimes just to the playground or a playdate. (We have a strict budget so sometimes cost is a factor as to the activity.) All of these provide some level of learning about empathy and sharing--some more than others of course. I've also structured some free play time into his day with a special toy or activity he only gets at that time. I imagine even being aware of the fact you don't want to mollycoddle is setting you up for success in achieving that regardless of Lucia's sibling situation someday.
ReplyDeleteI really don't have any advice for you, but I can offer a little bit of hope/encouragement. I am an only child. My parents never really went for parenting advice; they just worked hard to help develop traits and values they believed it would be important for me to have. They were fantastic parents and I could not be more grateful. Follow your instincts and I think they will serve you well. :)
ReplyDeleteI find that if I take the time to set a child up for independent play, he or she does better playing independently for a short length of time - showing them how to build a certain structure out of duplos, showing them the possibilities if they play house with their dolls, showing them how they can use this shape sorter to stack AND sort, etc. It takes an investment of my time to develop their play skills (and it seems silly to be "teaching" play!), but it pays off because then they're able to play independently a little bit more! And that goes for when they're only children AND when they have siblings - kids don't magically become un-clingy just because there's a new baby around :)
ReplyDeleteI would look into montessori-style activities for her as well, since those are great for fostering independence. And sometimes it really is okay just to let her watch some TV so you can have time to shower without her sitting on the bathroom floor talking to you!
I went to a church group every Wednesday morning. There was a licensed daycare and that children were taken to and then all the mothers had coffee and chatted about a book we were all reading together. It was about two hours of me being with adults and my children being with other children and adults. It was awesome and very very supportive. Also, if you have a group of girlfriends who also have toddlers/ preschool aged children try to book a day a week and "trade off" children. That way they are around other children and adults and you have some time to yourself/ run errands and on the days it's your turn, you have few children in your home :) It's really nice, and hey, free! Please know that I am praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI've actually been thinking about this topic a lot. I realized that all my child rearing theories have to do with having multiple children, closely spaced.
ReplyDeleteMy husband actually had an only child like experience for a while. His two older brothers were almost out of the house when he was born--so if anything he got spoiled by them MORE and his little brother didn't come until he was 6. My MIL always talks about babysitting when he was little, so I think he was always around other kids.
I do love a well trained only. They are, admittedly, harder to find, but they tend to be so bright and well spoken. All that adult interaction... I hope you find some good resources!!
This is such a great question. I used to struggle so much with this with our son. We lived on campus in family housing and it seemed I was always bracing myself for some situation on the playground each day. Last year my husband had to go away for an Air Force training for 3 months and things got pretty rough each day. I finally found out about Love and Logic. I think their parenting method of empathy and creating self- disciplined kids addresses issues like sharing and socializing with or without siblings. I can tell you that sharing certainly did not come naturally to my son when little Miss came along, it wasn't a cure-all for me and I see my own struggles I had with my sister being lived out with our son's frustrations with his. He's just 3, so, there's lots of time to pray for him and hope and love and empathy. I'm no perfect parent but Love and Logic really gave me what I thought were amazing tools to use that made sense in our Catholic Christian world view. They have lots of youtube videos for free and this book helped us a Lot. http://www.amazon.com/Love-Logic-Magic-Early-Childhood-ebook/dp/B005OP0V0K/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1395877227&sr=8-1&keywords=love+and+logic+magic+for+early+childhood
ReplyDeleteWish you the best and I second what Emily said! Blessings.
I don't know, but when you find out, could you let me know? Kthxbai. :P
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