Baby Shower: A Purposeful Reflection

I’ve been a bit absent the past week and a half or so, because my husband and I just returned from a weeklong trip to Colorado on Wednesday.  It was wonderful to be able to spend time with our families and my mother and aunt threw me a very sweet, classy baby shower. 



Having experienced several big events in the past few years (my mother and grandfather diagnosed with cancer, graduating from college, getting married, expecting a baby), I have been reflecting recently about how celebrations and major life-changing events bring out the best and worst in people.  Many people, both family and friends, who I would have expected to be there for me and my family suddenly dropped out of our lives.  The heartbreak that I felt because of their noticeable and deliberate absence cannot be described.  Yet other family members and friends amazed me by the depth of their love and kindness, using every opportunity to reassure us during the difficult times and celebrate the joyous occasions.

A few particular people reminded me this weekend of how grateful I truly am for the people who God has placed in my life (and in the life of the little one growing inside me).  They showed so much love toward my child before he/she has even entered this world!  Although I tend to be someone who accentuates the negative (a true pessimist at heart), I am going to try to be more purposeful in reminding myself that while I may have a small family and few friends, the ones I have are wonderful and bring such joy into my life: 

My mother gave me a beautiful baby shower.  She’s been searching for months for everything duckies to ensure an adorable yellow ducky theme to go with my nursery.  Not only that, she has been going to garage sales every week to look for clothes and other items for the baby and has sent us several boxes so far (we also brought some back in our luggage and she is planning to bring more when she comes after the birth).  She knows that money is very tight for us and wants us to have everything we need for our little one.  I was so nervous to tell my mom we were planning to have a child and then later to tell her we were pregnant, because she felt that we should wait until we were more financially stable, but she has been nothing but wonderful since she found out.

My aunt flew from out of state to help my mom host the baby shower. (She even made these adorable chocolate covered cookies!)  I’ve always been very close to my aunt.  She only has a son, so I’ve always been her little girl and she was so thrilled to find out I was expecting!  Her son and his girlfriend are expecting their first baby only a month and a half or so after me, but she has gone out of her way to make me and my little one feel special and I can tell that she is truly as excited for my baby as she is for her own little granddaughter on the way. 

A friend of my aunt, whom I think I’ve met once, made a quilt for the baby and sent it to her to bring to the shower.  Someone who barely knows me spent hours making something for my little one?  Her generosity and kindness remind me that many people still view babies as blessings and gifts.

A friend of mine from high school took off from work not only the day of the baby shower but every day that I would be in Colorado.  She knew I would be busy and would only have the time to see her once other than the shower, but she took off the whole time so I wouldn’t be stressed trying to fit her into a small timeframe.  Although I never saw her very often even when I lived nearby, she has never missed an important event – birthday party, engagement party, wedding events, graduation, etc.  She is one of my most loyal friends and I can always count on her to be there. 

My brother-in-law’s girlfriend flew out for the weekend to attend the shower and to meet my husband and me.  She had previously met my mother-in-law and her sister (only once), but other than that, knew no one at the shower.  I give her a lot of credit for willing to spend hours with people she just met, but she was gracious, helpful and genuinely very excited for my husband and I.  My husband and I absolutely adore her and we hope that maybe someday she’ll join us as part of the family.  (Incidentally, they met on Catholic Match, the same place my husband and I met, and I’m starting to think of it as a miracle maker!)

My husband’s best friend flew out last weekend and went with him to the Rockies game (the “male baby shower”) while the ladies were at the baby shower.  Although he was in Colorado to visit family, he made sure to coordinate the trip to coincide with when we would be there as well.  It meant a lot to my husband to have him there, and I always enjoy his company as well.  And even though he wasn’t part of the “official” baby shower, he brought us a gift – how incredibly thoughtful for a single man!  It makes me very happy to see that my husband has a good friend who will be there for him too.

My oldest friend (we’ve been friends since I moved to Colorado in fourth grade) organized for several of my friends to pool their money and buy me the stroller/carseat travel system we registered for!  What a generous gift (it still wasn’t cheap with five people going in on it).  And if this gift wasn’t enough, she also made a scrapbook for my husband and I of our relationship – she’s been saving mementos since we started dating three years ago to put in the scrapbook (including stealing the place cards off our head table after our reception). 

On Marrying Young: The Age Gap

When Rachel commented on my original On Marrying Young post, she brought up a great point that I hadn't considered: that a difference in age between husband and wife could mean that one spouse marries "young" while the other spouse is marrying at a more "socially acceptable" age.  How would this difference in age affect the marriage?  Since I don't have any experience in this area (my husband is all of 7 months older than me), I am turning this topic over to Rachel for her to enlighten us herself.  Thanks, Rachel!

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Mandi’s posts on marrying young really got me thinking about at what age is “young.” Not only that, but does a marriage where one person is considered young, and the other not so young, play out any differently? My husband and I married after 5.5 long years of dating/engagement. I was a young 22, while my husband was 28. So while I’ve always placed myself in the “young marriage” category, I hadn’t really given much thought to my husband being at the end of his 20s. Usually, the age gap that is between us isn’t noticeable at all (it helps that he looks to be about 25, although he will be 30 in April!) except when we talk about our childhood and memories we have. For example, in discussing the anniversary of 9/11 we recalled that my husband was in his second year of college, while I had just started 9^th grade. This got me giggling. Remembering important events in our history often have that affect on us.

Our first photo at 23 & 18 - 2006

But now, with almost one year of marriage under our belt (in less than 2 weeks!), I’ve come to notice other differences our age gap has created, specifically when it comes to marriage.

How the Past Shapes Our Future

First I’d like to preface by saying that I specifically wanted to date/marry an older man. My parents are 7 years apart and my father made it very clear to me that most men were not ready to wed in their early 20s – mostly because they weren’t mature enough to handle that kind of responsibility. It didn’t take me long to figure out that at age 18 (when I started seriously considering dating someone) other boys my age were nowhere near mature. So I naturally looked for someone older than me who was ready to settle down.

I know other women who didn’t have this problem at all, and I’m sure the environment I grew up in (liberal, unreligious Southern California) contributed a lot to the way young men acted. Perhaps if I had grown up in a religious community, say in a church or at a private school, I might have had a different experience. But, at the time, I certainly didn’t run in those circles. Even the idea of “dating to marry” drew raised eyebrows from my friends.

Brian graduating with his Master's - 2007

So, living in the technical age that we are, I went to the Internet. I can’t remember how I found CatholicMatch.com but I did end up on it, joined, and just a few days later got in contact with my husband. He was the first person I messaged. I was the first person he spoke with. We’ve been together ever since.

I digress – the point I’m trying to make here is that my environment (secular, liberal) and what I was raised to believe (young men are immature) ultimately impacted the decision I made to look for (and ultimately marry) someone that was older than me and religious. Everyone has a different situation and I’m not trying to advocate one way or the other.

Our Young Marriage Dynamics

My husband and I dated for almost 5 years before getting engaged – a lot of this had to do with education. Because we were far apart in years I was in the middle of my Bachelor’s degree while my husband was finishing his Master’s. My husband was very firm in that he wanted me to finish my degree before we got engaged. I think he was worried that I might become too distracted in planning a wedding to really dedicate myself, or that I would want to get pregnant right away and that I wouldn’t finish my degree (we’ll never know, but it would have been a possibility). He also had concerns that I was too young to get married, believe it or not. After all, he was a good 6 years older than I was and he was just now really ready to marry. How could I be on the same level as him when I was so much younger and inexperienced?

My 20^th Birthday at Disneyland – 2008

Obviously, the age difference was an issue. I think a lot of the feelings he had came from his friends, who were his age, and were extremely curious as to why he was with someone so much younger than him (and who couldn’t go to any bars!). His siblings and mother also showed some concern in those first few years, though it was made less obvious to me. So, after some long talks where we considered eloping (just kidding Dad!), we both decided we would wait until I finished college in May 2009 – he proposed in August 2009 and we wed in September 2010. You can read more about our story here.

Graduate school (my husband is currently in a PhD program) has been both a blessing and a curse for us. While I know that this is an amazing opportunity for my husband to become a Professor at a university, his dream job, it has put a lot of our plans on hold. I am currently working a full-time job to support our family, while my husband dedicates all of his time to the program. I have wanted nothing more than to be a Mommy since I was a little girl, but I have had to put that idea on the backburner until my husband gets closer to finishing his degree (we are almost there!). My husband is often burdened, knowing that if he had chosen a different career path we would have started a family as soon as we married. We are also not as financially stable as a couple that might have married later in life – I’ve only been in the work force for 2 years and have less experience to earn a higher salary. Being young, cautious with what we spend, and not knowing where my husband will find his job means that we cannot put down roots. If we had married in our early 30s we could have avoided a lot of these problems. But then again, we would have missed out on a lot of the benefits.

Our engagement dinner – 2009

Getting married early means you grow together – and because I have known my husband for all of my adult life (our first date was 3 months after I turned 18) we have a lot of shared experiences that have given us the opportunity to work through and address problems that other couples might not have dealt with until after marriage. I was young and willing to learn what it took to be a good wife and homemaker, and although my husband was in his late 20s when we married, he was not set in his ways because we started dating early. In the course of dating we were able to watch two of our close friends (his age) become engaged and marry, and it solidified in our mind that marriage was something to look forward to. Of course, not everyone should run out and start dating at 18, but I was mature enough and truly wanted to settle down, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

A Little Give and Take

Not to simplify the issue, but there are some pluses and minuses that come from marrying with a significant age difference. One of the first things that attracted me to my husband (besides his devilish good looks, of course) was his life experience. He knew where he wanted to be and he knew how he was going to get there. A man who knows what he wants! Not only that, but he had experienced a lot of the world that I hadn’t yet. He had travelled to more than 15 countries across Europe, he had lived abroad for months at a time, was getting his Master’s degree and had plans to become a professor. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a smart cookie, but I really looked up to him. After all, I was starting my first year in college, didn’t know what I wanted to major in or where I wanted to end up. He inspired me.

Our Wedding, age 28 & 22 – 2010

The age gap between us contributed to some awkward experiences in the beginning: I didn’t have a lot in common with his friends, especially the girls. They were finished with school; some had even finished graduate school, and were well into their careers. There were a lot of times where I felt left out, even deliberately. For a few years, probably until I turned 20 or 21, I was viewed as the little kid of the group. Somehow my young age made them feel obligated to give me life advice that I felt was unnecessary. I’m sure my husband endured all kinds of comments about being a “cradle robber” when we first got together. While I am a lot closer to his friends now, and consider them my friends also, there were times where our dating life was difficult because of the peer pressures we felt. Now that I’m older and in my mid-twenties this part of our lives seems to be well behind us.

Vacation in Europe – 6/24/2011

Still, at 23 I’m far from the marrying norm. None of the friends I grew up with or work with are married, let alone engaged. In fact, most aren’t even dating seriously. This is probably the biggest difference between my husband and I – while he has a number of friends married, a few starting families and so on, I feel like I’m one in a million. Thank goodness for blogs! :)

P.S. A man's chances of dying early are reduced by 11 percent if they marry a woman seven to nine years younger. So we’ve got that going for us.

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You can read more of my quirky, no nonsense (and sometimes a whole lotta nonsense) ramblings at Many Miracles. I promise not to hide the cookies.

Please check out the other posts (including some great guest posts) in my On Marrying Young series.

7 Quick Takes Friday (Take 26)

1. I am currently in Colorado to visit family and for the baby shower my mom is throwing me tomorrow.  I knew I wouldn’t want to take any precious family time to write blog posts so I did something I haven’t done before: wrote posts ahead of time!  Wow, I’m so ahead of the game (for once!).

2. Speaking of spending time with family, don’t forget Sunday is Grandparents’ Day!  I am blessed to be able to spend the whole day with my grandparents, especially since my grandfather has cancer and has been undergoing chemotherapy.  My parents are also excited to celebrate their first Grandparents’ Day, even though their grandchild has yet to be born.

3. Since my husband worked on Labor Day, I made him chocolate chip cookies so he would know that I appreciate how hard he works for our family.  If you don’t already have a go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe, I really suggest the one I used for the “Best Big, Fat, Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookie”.  They came out perfectly and my husband can’t get enough of them.

4. I went to a tailor earlier this week for the first time in my life.  Now I feel like a real adult!  I found a really adorable maxi dress at a maternity store for a great price, but it was about three inches too long.  So I took it to be hemmed.  I wish I knew how to sew (and had a sewing machine) so I could have done it myself, but that definitely isn’t an option right now.  This is the first maxi dress I’ve ever owned because at 5’2”, there is no way I would ever find one that wouldn’t need to be hemmed. 

5. I recently read two articles about priests doing great things:

• Recently ordained Fr. Christopher Klusman is one of less than ten deaf priests in the United States and hopes to increase opportunities for deaf Catholics to be involved in the Church in the Archdiocese of Milwaukee.  
• Fr. Paul Arinze is a priest who also officiates tennis tournaments, including the U.S. Open.  I don’t know the first thing about tennis, but my husband loves it and thought the article and Fr. Arinze are pretty cool.

6. I won this week’s Thirsties Thursday cloth diaper giveaway!  My prize is two Thirsties Duo Wraps and two Thirsties Duo Hemp Prefolds.  I’m excited to get them in the mail, but even more excited to see them on my little one’s bottom.  Coincidentally, my mom set up a tour of the Thirsties plant next week while I’m in Colorado, so I’ll be able to see where they are made as well.

7. If you haven’t seen it yet, please be sure to check out the new post in my “On Marrying Young” series, Exception to the “Rules”, a guest post by Kaylene of Letters from Momma.  It’s fabulous!  And be sure to check back in the upcoming weeks because there are more great guest posts to come (and if I can shake the writer's block I've been experiencing, I may even add some more posts of my own).

Thanks to Jennifer Fulwiler of Conversion Diary for hosting 7 Quick Takes!

On Marrying Young: Exception to the "Rules"

I can't explain my excitement when I received interest from several ladies interested in contributing their stories and voices to the topic, "On Marrying Young".  Kaylene recently stumbled upon my blog and I've enjoyed the opportunity to get to know her, as I hope you do too.  When I received her guest post in my inbox, I just couldn't stop reading.  Enjoy!

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I'd like to thank Mandi for letting me guest post! I found her blog by chance, while entering some cloth diaper giveaways. I saw her blog's name was Catholic Newlywed. This interested me because I was a Catholic newlywed not too long ago. When I read her posts about being young & married, I was really interested in sharing my perspective.

Mr. & Mrs. 11/22/08 married young

For me and my husband, it is pretty clear that we got married young. We were the youngest people everywhere we went during wedding preparations. I was given odd looks at wedding shops, and I often felt eyes glaring at my stomach to decide if there was a bump or not. My husband's fraternity brothers gave him a hard time because he was leaving them, rather than being excited for his happiness. My maid of honor (my sister) couldn't drive yet, and was still in high school, so that put a limit on the things she could do. None of our friends really knew bridal attendant etiquette, as ours was their first wedding to be a part of. We also really felt out of place at our Engaged Encounter when we introduced ourselves as students because everyone else had 'real' jobs. Suffice it to say, we felt as if we were in uncharted waters.

After getting married, it became even more obvious that we were quite a rarity in modern America. In college, people go out for drinks, go dancing, have blind dates their friends set them up on, or join single groups through their church. We didn't need to do any of that, as we were already married (we had fun though, don't worry). We often felt out of place with many of our peers who were still living up the 'college life,' and we were settled down. I think that was harder on my husband than myself. Sometimes he felt like he should have the young & carefree attitude that his old fraternity brothers had. It caused some friction for us, but we worked through it together. I got excited when our church started to form a young married group for fellowship and spiritual growth. We were hoping to meet people like us, but after the first meeting, it turns out we didn't fit in so great there either. We were the youngest people there by about 6 years! The group was great and we made some sort-of-friends, but they had professional jobs & several already had kids. What we needed was a Young Catholic Student Newlywed group....guess there aren't too many of those around.

America has several unwritten, but often talked about, rules. You can't get married until you are done with school (whichever degree that means for you). The only reason you are supposed to get married before school is completed is if you are pregnant, broke, or in the military. You aren't supposed to get married without an extensive dating period, or at least not until you've known each other for a "long" time. Our marriage is an exception to those rules.

Exception to modern rule - met, engaged, married in less than 2 years

3/17/07 look how young we look!

My husband and I met my sophomore year of college--his freshman year. We attended schools an hour and a half apart. I can honestly say it was love at first sight conversation. We talked for hours. I could write an entire chapter book on how much of a God 'thing' our meeting was, but suffice it to say... We were meant to be together. We were essentially inseparable from April 2007 on, after meeting on St. Patrick's Day. We spent way too much money on gas to visit each other; and we each got one speeding ticket on the same stretch of highway between our schools. Our relationship hit some rocky points, but it only made us stronger. Attending Mass together really helped solidify our decision to be together. We continually heard homilies related to marriage, and we knew it was our calling. We were engaged Memorial Day weekend 2008 and married in November the same year. If you can do simple math, you know we were still in college.

Exception to modern rule - married young for love; not for pregnancy, money, or anything else

our 1st apartment's "front porch"

My husband transferred to my school, we got an apartment, life went on. Getting married in school really wasn't a big deal to me. We knew we were meant to be married, and felt God's hand in it all, so we didn't want to wait. A lot (re: all) of our family didn't think it was a good idea. I'm sure some thought I was pregnant. I figure some thought it'd quickly end in divorce. Many assumed one of us would drop out. They thought we were too young and should finish school before marriage--their words, not ours. I truly believe it was God's plan for us to meet and marry when we did.

Exception to modern rule - dating was NOT the best part of our relationship

3 months preg - Sept '10

I've heard people say marriage is hard, and that dating was the best your relationship will be---but I don't think that's true at all. My husband and I are a match made in Heaven and our life is wonderful. Dating was hard for us. It felt like we were trying to pull two magnets apart. Being married has been more natural and much easier. Something that has helped us tremendously, married young or not, is remembering that our marriage may not always be happy but it will be unified. We are together because of His plan, and with His help, we will get through anything. Marrying young is not the 'rule' in America today, but it certainly isn't wrong or taboo! If God is calling you to be an exception, don't let societal rules stop you.

May 14, 2010 Graduation Day!

Being married in college certainly isn't for everyone...but I'm so glad we did. It is fulfilling to know we saw our vocations & said yes to God. We get to grow up together. We have only ever known adulthood as a married couple. We have experienced everything that young single adults face, but we've done it together. I like that. We are settling unto our roles as husband and wife without having to 'undo' individual roles. We are developing routines and world views together. Anything we disagree on, we talk about and work out.

To me, the best thing about being married so young is that we have our whole lives to perfect marriage.

My husband said the nice thing about being married young is coming home to someone who loves him. No bar scenes or blind dates. We've already got a good thing going & are lucky to have found each other so young.

To read more about out life and our new baby girl, check out Letters from Momma. I blog about cloth diapers, Gianna's milestones, & parenting topics--including a giveaway every now and then.









Please check out the other posts (including some great guest posts) in my On Marrying Young series.

7 Quick Takes Friday (Take 25)

1.  We tried a new grocery store this week because I saw in their ad that they had buy 2, get 3 free Breyers ice cream.  Yes, you read that right, buy 2 get 3 free.  So we came home with 5 cartons of ice cream to add to the two that we already had in the freezer.  We love ice cream and I just couldn’t resist a good deal.  So our freezer has become an ice cream buffet!

2.  My husband may have a postdoc position for next year!  A few days ago, he met with a professor about working with him after graduation and he seemed very interested.  Of course, we won’t know anything for sure for a while, but it’s reassuring that he’s been able to find a possible position this early.  And although we’d love to move back to Colorado, my next choice would be to stay here so we don’t have to move again next year.

3.  We leave in less than a week to fly home to Colorado!  My mom is throwing me a baby shower and we are going to have several days to visit with friends and family! 

4.  Speaking of the baby shower, of the 20 or so people invited only five called my mom by the RSVP date on the invitation.  I can’t believe it, I would never just not respond.  I know I probably shouldn’t take it personally, but it hurts that our friends and family couldn’t even take the time to call.  Should we just assume they aren’t coming?

5.  Nothing tugs at a pregnant woman’s heartstrings more than washing little baby clothes and hanging them to dry.  I’ve been washing so much baby clothes this week that our hamper filled up and my husband was on his last pair of socks.  Folding those little clothes and placing them in the drawers, I tried to imagine putting them on my little one, but it still seems so unreal.  I am obviously very pregnant by this point, yet sometimes I can’t fathom that there will really be a baby at the end of this.   I think I’ll need to hold my baby in my arms before I truly believe it.

6.  I got a new book today through Paperback Swap, Your Labor Of Love: A Spiritual Companion for Expectant Mothers.  It was suggested to me by Liana of Working to be Worthy.  I have high expectations for this book, especially since I think it’s the only book of its kind writing specifically for Catholics.  I’ll let you know what I think of it when I finish. 

7.  I appreciate all the kind and supportive comments I’ve received on the On Marrying Young series I recently started.  I’ve had a few lovely ladies show interest in writing guest posts for it, so be sure to check back in the near future.

Read more great Quick Takes at Conversion Diary!