Goals Reconsidered #7QT

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I have (nearly) a million posts sitting in drafts.  Some half finished, some just waiting for photos, some that are nothing but a title to remind me of that amazing post idea I cannot forget.  Those will all have to wait.  (Some may wait indefinitely.)  During the last few weeks, my life has changed drastically.  Well, the things that matter most - my family, my faith - those are the same.  But everything else - where we live, what we do - those have been greatly altered. 

Moving here was not our first choice.  It may not have been our second or third choice either.  But it certainly wasn't our last.  We've lived here before.  We have friends here.  However shallow, we have roots here.  Our daughter was born here, after all.  There are good memories.  Things we missed when we left.

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I'm coming to realize though that we can be happy anywhere.  Different degrees of happiness, sure, but happy nonetheless.  I doubt we'll be quite as happy here as we would be back in Colorado, near our parents and grandparents, siblings, and our niece-on-the-way.  But we'll be happy. 

Are happy.  Already.

We're slowly acquiring the furniture we need to make our town house a home.  (Thank you, Craig's List!)  Piece by piece it's coming together and box by box we're settling in.  But the truth is, it's already our home.  It is.  We don't own it, and we may not live here past this year (or we might, though we have images of buying a house floating when we close our eyes) but this is our home.  Our family is here.  A small family - mama, daddy, and Lulu - but a family full of love.

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While I may need go get creative about making some money here and there, it seems that I'll be able to stay home with Lucia full-time.  What I've always wanted!  But what I've been fearing for some time now.  Last year, I stayed home a few days a week, but five days.  In a row.  Without help from David?  Could I do it?  Home all day with my little one?  What would we do all day?  Would I get bored?  Would I go crazy?

We've survived a week and a half so far and there have been a few really tough moments (Lucia is teething and hasn't been sleeping well, and is having trouble adjusting to her new home and missing family and... and... and...).  There have been some great ones as well and I feel so connected to my sweet (and sometimes spicy and sometimes sour) pea.  Her vocabulary is expanding so much and we can have conversations now. (Her half of the conversations amount to no more than a few words at a time, but they are still possible!)  She has such a personality and I can't help but feel like I would be missing out on a huge portion of all of that if I were working and she were at daycare.  Plus, I can't imagine how much worse the move might have been for her if she had new caregivers thrown in the mix as well.  Being home with mama helps.

And the good news is I'll be watching the kids of David's fellow teachers a few days a week.  If you're not a parent, you may think that an extra child doubles the workload.  Not so!  Giving Lucia someone to play with relieves a lot of the strain on me (and is so, so good for her).  It will be on Thursdays and Fridays and I am really looking forward to it breaking up the monotony after three days in a row of just the two of us.  Lucia loves mama (and mama loves Lucia) but it will be nice to throw in some fresh, fun, Lucia-sized people.

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We miss David terribly during the days though.  He's never worked a regular 9-5 job since we've been married so it's hard to say goodbye to him before a long day away five days in a row.  I never used to understand why that was so hard, I mean, the man is supposed to work outside the home, right?  Well, not really.  Men used to work on the farm or in a shop below their home and have constant interaction with their families throughout the day.  Men working far from home is a mostly new phenomenon.  I'm a history major and I knew that but it just didn't sink in.  Anyway, we're adjusting but I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm already looking forward to Christmas break just a little bit.

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David's loving his job so far.  Today is his first teaching day (so throw a prayer up for him, will ya?).  We went to a family potluck with all his coworkers on Friday and I was just blown away by all the children there.  It's so nice to know that he'll be working in an environment where having little ones is the norm.  A Catholic school shoot exude a culture of life and I can't imagine with so many teachers with young children that it would do anything but.  

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The title of the post refers to my goals.  I guess the previous five "quick" takes (not so quick, were they?) were an explanation of why my goals have changed so much, in the short term anyway.  (Not that I owe anyone explanations.)  So here is what I'm going to be working on...

• Get out of the house everyday, even if it's just to walk down the street to the park.  Going out back to put clothes on the drying rack does NOT count as "getting out of the house".
• Writing no more than three content posts a week.  My little blogging break, while not a complete hiatus, has been a breath of fresh air and my family life has definitely benefited.  My current plan for the blog is to put up content posts regularly on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, with additional reviews, giveaway, guest posts, etc. appearing as they crop up.  
• Work on budgeting and natural living.  Now that most of our belongings have a place (save for wall decor, which currently resides in nearly a dozen boxes pushed to the living room perimeter - how did we get that many pictures? I know we don't have wall space for all that!), I can devote some time to making cleaning supplies and food staples from scratch. 
• Finally read all those books.  I've been collecting books.  But not reading them.  Especially religious books.  And parenting books.  We also realized that we accidentally brought an extra box of books that we meant to leave at my parents'.  We don't have room for it, so time to get reading!  And then let go.  (The letting go is the hardest part for me. I already have boxes and boxes full of books - sitting in my parents' basement - that I've read and want to keep in my "library" someday.)
• Develop a more disciplined prayer/spiritual life.  Let's just say my spiritual life has been close to non-existent between Sundays.  Not acceptable.  Time to step it up.  (Maybe start by reading the bookshelf worth of religious books?)

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Just a reminder that I'm hosting my Lilla Rose Grand Opening Party (remember that little thing about creative with the money making?).  I'll be having a live event through the facebook event page on Sunday at 4pm EST, sharing hairstyle ideas, answering questions, etc. (and maybe even giving away a Flexi or two).  If you are unfamiliar with Lilla Rose, this is the perfect opportunity to learn more, potentially win a free item, and take advantage of the buy 3, get one free deal (ask me about it for more details).  RSVP to the Facebook event now to get updates or shop directly through the party link anytime between now and Monday night!

Oh and as an aside/8th quick take: I am planning to start a Novena to St. Dymphna (patron of the nervous and those suffering from mental illness) and several others showed some interest in doing it along with me.  I'm planning to start on Tuesday, will be posting the novena prayer that day and then reminders each day through twitter and facebook, so if you would like to follow along and are not currently following me on social media, might be time to start.  Or, if you would rather, send me your email through any means (comments, email me, facebook or twitter message, etc.) and I will add you to an email list to receive a reminder each day.

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

A place of refreshment, light, and peace

Of all the names for heaven (paradise, life everlasting, kingdom come...), this one is my favorite.  The first time I ever remember truly hearing this phrase was when David and I were writing the Prayers of the Faithful for our wedding.  It's never left my mind since.

Refreshment, light, and peace.  Separated from the suffering and busyness of the world, our needs are but few.  But one really: unity with God, our Creator, our Father.  And in Him, we are complete.  All the darkness and suffering passes away and we are left with just peace.

Today, Catholics celebrate the Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary.  In her assumption to heaven, we are reminded that if we, like the Mother of Christ, answer the callings of the Lord and follow His Son, we too will rest someday with him in a place of refreshment, light, and peace.

Father in heaven,
all creation rightly gives you praise,
for all life and all holiness come from you.
In the plan of your wisdom
she who bore the Christ in her womb
was raised body and soul in glory to be with him in heaven.
May we follow her example in reflecting your holiness
and join in her hymn of endless love and praise.

We ask this through Christ our Lord.

Amen.

On Marrying Young: Marriage is Hardly the Ending of Anything

The plastic colander smacked the wall and clattered to the linoleum, tottering unevenly on its side before coming to rest in the gaping silence between us...two people, separated by a distance much wider than the kitchen in which we stood. 

I'll always be grateful that he ducked when he did, because my aim wasn't nearly as bad as my temper.

People sometimes give us a hard time for having gotten married so young. "How did you even know who you were at 22?" they ask. "Wouldn't it be better to wait until you were a more fully-formed person? How did you even know what you wanted in a spouse at that age? How could you possibly have been ready?"

Maybe these are valid questions. (A more valid question might be, "Shouldn't you have learned to control your temper before you got married?")

Had we been characters in a southern novel, one of us would have stormed out of the kitchen, slammed the screen door and stalked off into the woods behind the house, leaving the rat terrier bewildered and barking in the yard. 

The reader might have doubted whether those characters were going to make it.

Yes, we were young. No, we certainly didn't know what we were getting into, and we probably weren't ready. And yes, I definitely should have learned to control my temper. (I'm still working on that.)

My suspicion, though, is that nobody ever really knows enough to be ready to get married, no matter how old they are. Marriage isn't something you are ready for ahead of time. 

At 22, when I still thought I knew almost everything, I thought I was ready. I thought I understood marriage. I expected it to be predictable, expected that when we said, “I do,” we would stroll through a pair of grand double doors and enter a story that was waiting for us to take our place as its central characters. I didn't realize that before we could occupy our story, we had to write it from the beginning. 

Why do weddings so often happen at the end of the book? Marriage is hardly the ending of anything…marriage isn't really anything at all when it starts. It's an idea we have, maybe, a set of expectations. A half-empty page on which we are about to start writing. 

The story unfolds gradually. It's not all that romantic, actually. It's not all fuzzy soft-focus lenses and smiles and breakfast with fresh flowers on the table. No matter how compatible the characters seem on the premarital counseling quiz in the pastor's office, there are going to be conflicts. Sometimes it's an argument about who forgot to buy more toothpaste. Sometimes it's realizing that he has no idea how to clean the sink the way I want it to be done. Sometimes it's teething babies that keep us up all night or vomiting cats that ruin our carpet or broken down cars that need new engines we can't afford. Sometimes we forget we are supposed to be serving each other, and we get hung up on how difficult life is on our side of things.

Life is full of conflicts...how would we develop the plot without them? The challenge of getting married young is to figure out how to handle big problems as half of a couple when we don't yet know how to handle them ourselves.

Had we waited to get married, we would still have faced difficulties. It's the process of dealing with those difficulties that develops our characters and changes us into adults. It shapes us into better versions of ourselves, the grownup versions who know we can deal with hard things...not because we know the answers ahead of time, but because we have dealt with other hard things and survived to tell the tale.

Deciding to marry young is deciding to develop your character in tandem with someone else's. It's giving up the right to make all your own mistakes in isolation in exchange for the privilege of having company to share the pain when you screw up. You can't predict what bumps and trials and struggles and situations you are going to encounter. It won't always be easy, but the fortieth or fiftieth time you fold someone's socks for him or pick up his pajama bottoms off the floor and put them in the hamper, you learn that it isn't about easy. It's about the countless tiny sacrifices, the ones you make over and over, the kind that get on your nerves in the short-term but in the long term lay the foundation for a life of serving each other. Over time, it's those little sacrifices that smooth the rough edges of our characters, that form us into a pair, a team, a unit.

As Catholics, we believe that marriage is a sacrament, meaning that participating in it intrinsically changes something about us. We also believe that marriage is a vocation, a life calling. If we wait to answer that calling until we feel we are worthy of it, we will never get around to answering at all. Postponing until the perfect time, until you're perfectly the perfect version of you means you will be waiting forever. A marriage is something you grow into together, not something you enter into fully grown.

When you know are called, you know it. 

As for the parts of the story you don't know, the things you can't anticipate or predict, you must do as good readers do and suspend disbelief. Leave room for the mystery inherent in the sacrament. Leave room for the characters to grow. Give the Author some credit and let the plot unfold, even if you can't see how the characters are going to evolve or whether they will be compatible in 20 years. 

My attempt at assault by colander that night was just one mistake in a long line of mistakes I've made in our nearly twelve-year-old marriage. Through edits, backtracks and revisions, we have written a story that is full of ups and downs, challenges, frustrations, joys and triumphs. Without him, my character would certainly have turned out differently. Our decision to join our lives twelve years ago put us on a path together that has irrevocably intertwined us. Five houses, two cities, three foster children, two chronic illnesses, four rabbits, three dogs, four cats and three biological children later, we have been through a lot. If we weren't grownups when we got married, we certainly will be by the time the story is through.

Maybe marrying young isn't for everyone, but it was the right thing for us. I will always be grateful for the privilege of sharing a story with the one I love. Even though we don't know how it will turn out in the end, we have made it this far together, and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

Abbey Dupuy is a freelance writer and homeschooling mom to toddler twins and a preschooler. She writes about parenting, practicing gratitude and celebrating the liturgical year with her young family at Surviving Our Blessings. In her spare time, Abbey enjoys running and going places that offer free refills on coffee or Diet Coke. She has also recently starting making rosaries.

Thanks, Abbey!  Please check out the other guest posts in my On Marrying Young series.

TGIF: Lilla Rose Grand Opening Party + GIVEAWAY (3 winners!)

I'm so excited to share my new Lilla Rose business with you, dear readers!  I originally was introduced to Lilla Rose by a fellow blogger who wanted to advertise her Lilla Rose business on my blog.  In addition to advertising, she asked if I would do a review and giveaway of Lilla Rose products.  I did and I absolutely loved them!  Which is actually a bit crazy since I (used to) rarely do anything with my hair.  

the Flexi

Now that I have my Lilla Rose Flexis and headband, I never leave without my hair done.  It's not just that they are pretty that sold me, it's that they are super comfortable, stay in my hair all day, and are really quick and easy to use.  In fact, I have a Flexi either in my hair or in my purse (for those hair emergencies!) at all times.  You can literally throw your hair up in a Flexi, throw in a headband, put it up with the You-Pins or bobby pins in a few minutes or less and you look put together. I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes in my day to have my hair up and looking nice, especially now that I'm staying home full time with Lucia.  It really changes the mood.

a little punky but I love these!

Oh, and if you have little girls, these totally work for them too.  Lucia and I share several Lilla Rose items.  My headbands adjust small enough for her.  The mini Flexis work for her pony tail and a half-up for me.  (I'm sure you can figure out how bobby pins work for both children and adults.)

I actually made a YouTube video recently to show you one of my favorite super, super quick styles with my headband.  It literally takes ONE minute and depending on the headband can be casual or a bit more fancy (I wore it this way to a wedding).  Oh, and don't mind the terrible lighting.  I had to close the bathroom door to keep out a certain noisy toddler.  I'm planning to make David rerecord this in some better lighting.  Someday.

Anyway, I had been thinking about becoming a Lilla Rose independent consultant for a while but it took a catastrophe to get me there.  And by catastrophe, I mean losing my headband.  This headband.  I loved it.  Since I had to buy a new one, I figured I might as well just sign up as a consultant so I could get discounts on all my future Lilla Rose purchases (because I'm hooked).  And then I decided, well, why don't I sell these?  I mean, really sell these.  I love these products.  They are so pretty and functional and what's better use of my time than sharing products I'm passionate about? 

So I could go on and on about each Lilla Rose product and tell you why each one is amazing, etc. etc. etc.  BUT instead I'm giving you the chance to win one and find out yourself.  Three readers will win one Lilla Rose hair accessory of their choosing (up to $16 value).  

You-Pins

And if you don't win or you do win and you want more, you can join my Grand Opening Party.  Find out more details on Facebook here or go straight to the party page to order here.  If you are a NEW Lilla Rose customer (never ordered from any consultant before), you can get a FREE item of your choice (up to $16 value) when you order any three items.  The party ends August 18.  If you need any help ordering, have questions about the products or sizing, or are interested in becoming a consultant yourself, feel free to email me at messywifeblessedlife@gmail.com. 

Enter below on the PromoSimple widget.  

Contest end 8/14.  

U.S. entrants only, please.  

Good luck!

three winners one Lilla Rose item each (valued up to $16)

Let the Little Ones Come to Me

A huge thank you to Michele for writing this guest post for me while we are still settling in to our new home!  And it's on a topic that is so important to me - taking my little one to Mass.  Michele has a book with tips for teaching the faith to the little children and I can't wait to snag a copy for my own little family.  Oh, and Michele just had a new, sweet baby girl, so you should definitely hop over to her blog to say, "Congratulations!" (After you read this post, of course.)

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Hi, friends! And thanks to Mandi for letting me spend some time with you all!

I wanted to share with you something near and dear to my heart and yours - some thoughts on getting through Sunday Mass with little ones.

But first, I want to share with you a story from long before I became a mother.

The summer before I married my husband, I got a grant to return to a place that is near and dear to my heart. Misericordia is a residential community that serves a large number of people with varying degrees of disability. The work I did there that summer was primarily ministry work - starting up some Bible Study groups, doing mini-retreats with the residents, etc. My favorite part of my work, though, was the Sacramental preparation that I got to do.

One of the young men that I had the privilege of preparing for the Sacraments of the Eucharist and Confirmation, was a teenager with very severe disabilities. We’ll call him “Francis,” since that was his Confirmation name. :-) Francis was in his late teens, in a wheelchair, mostly blind, mostly non-verbal (I think he could say, “Yeah,” and make various noises, but he couldn’t really talk), and had severe mental disabilities. We spent time together, each week, in the chapel in his residence, preparing to receive Jesus and the Gift of the Holy Spirit.

As you can imagine, preparing Francis to receive these Sacraments required me to have an entirely different mindset about Sacramental preparation and catechesis. Yes, when we sat together in the chapel, I would talk to him about the Scriptures behind the Sacraments (i.e. the Last Supper and Pentecost) and we would talk about how the bread became the Body of Christ, and how in Confirmation he would receive the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. I did teach him all these basic catechetical facts. But, as you can imagine, I knew that with no possible way of getting feedback from him, I couldn’t rely on words alone to teach him.

So, I made our time together in the chapel special and set apart from the rest of his day. I had soft music playing when we entered the chapel together, and we always started our time together praying before Jesus in the tabernacle. You see, that was my greatest strategy with Francis - just putting him in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. I knew that I could teach him an awful lot, but I also knew he couldn’t understand everything I taught him. Where I lacked, Jesus would fill in.

The day of his First Communion and Confirmation arrived. I had been rehearsing receiving the Eucharist with him by giving him small pieces of unconsecrated host (because he had some oral issues, too), and explaining to him that when he received Jesus it would taste like that, but it wouldn’t be bread - it would be Jesus. Judging from his disgusted looks when he received mere bread from me, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The moment of his First Communion arrived. The priest gave him a small particle of Jesus. This normally serious looking young guy looked startled for a second and then...he smiled. It was a full, genuine look of joy. Nothing external prompted it either...it had to have been the fact that the Jesus who he had come to know during his times in the chapel had finally entered him and filled him with his infinite Love.

Fast forward a few years and my husband and I had our first little girl. As babies and toddlers go, she wasn’t (and isn’t) all that bad at Mass. Yes, she has her phases of misbehavior, and yes, she is not perfectly quiet or still during every Mass. Yes, I have had many Mass experiences with her where I inwardly cringe as I envision what the other people at our church must be thinking about her and her parents.

BUT I also keep in mind what Francis taught me.

Yes, I want my little girl to know how to behave at Mass (and she actually has made great strides in that area). Yes, I want her to learn about her faith, and to learn how to pray (including learning by rote the prayers we all learn in the course of our catechesis). But I want something more for her - a real love for Jesus and His Church. I want her to see Mass as a place where she comes to be with Jesus and know His love. Of course I try to get her to pay attention at Mass and behave properly (and we’re super blessed because she really does most of the time at this point!). But, more than that, I want her to desire Jesus and to long for Him. I want her to experience His love in a concrete way.

So with Francis in mind, I’ve altered how I correct her at Mass, and how I treat her. There were many Masses in her earlier days when I was just so frustrated with her - and it showed. I focused on my disappointment over her behavior (we’re talking about a one year old, here...) and wondered if she’d ever learn to behave at Mass. But slowly, that shifted. I began to see Mass as a time when my husband and I could model good behavior for her and lay out some basic, general rules to follow (i.e. don’t crawl around on the floor, no talking other than praying or occasional whispering to Mommy and Daddy, etc.). But beyond those basic rules- I just decided to love her, and to consciously place her in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. Of course I teach her about her faith. (Between her dad and I we’ve got four degrees in theology and he’s working on adding a fifth one to our total...so we are pretty big on catechesis in our family!) Of course she is beginning to learn the basics. But I try not to get frustrated with her tuning in and out of Mass, needing to move and wiggle, occasionally forgetting herself and talking during consecration (okay, maybe more than occasionally), etc. etc. Instead, I focus on holding her tenderly and with love, modeling the love of Christ for her. I want Mass to be a place that she knows will be safe - a place where she must behave, but a place where she learns to behave so that she can come to know the peaceful stillness that only Christ’s love can bring to her little heart.

So practically, what do I do? I pass on my own immense love for Jesus in the Eucharist by talking to her about Him a lot, and by also making a point of teaching her to pray to Jesus who “loves her and is always there for her, waiting in the tabernacle.” After Communion, I tell her that Jesus is inside of me, and tells her that He is close to my heart because I love Him so much. I’ve taught her to tell Him that she loves Him each time she comes to Mass (and even to blow Him a kiss!). During the Mass, her dad and I try to keep our corrections gentle but firm. We both try to stay as calm as we can (not that we always succeed) to model for her the kind of calmness and quiet we must have at Mass. And when all else fails, we hold her - but we hold her with a lot of affection and tenderness. (We DO take her out if her misbehavior is disruptive and she needs to calmed down...but thankfully those times are pretty rare as she gets older. No worries...her new little baby sister will be throwing us for a loop as soon as she’s born!) Now, undoubtedly, that won’t work for every kid (my goddaughter comes to mind, little spark plug that she is!) but the key is finding some way to give your child a taste of God’s love at Mass. It may just be in trying to curb your frustration over their misbehavior so you can model God’s patience to them. It may be in holding them and giving them some extra attention. This will look different for every child.

The bottom line is, though - it’s not all on you. Even if you are frustrated and worn out during Mass with littles, you must not lose sight of the one thing you ARE doing right. You are putting them in the presence of Jesus in the Eucharist. And ultimately, over time, He can and will work more on their hearts than you ever could. Just as he did with Francis.

So, each time you go to Mass, rather than fretting about your ability to control your little crazy ones, focus on giving them to the care of Jesus in the Eucharist. Do your best to patiently and gently correct and re-direct them, but know that ultimately it isn’t about what you do. It’s about what He does, working in their little hearts. By bringing even your littlest ones to be with Him, week after week (and even weekday after weekday!), you are doing far more than you know. Keep up the good work!

If you’d like to hear even more thoughts (from me and another mom of little ones!) on surviving these early years with your littles, please check out my latest book! You can pick up a copy of Faith Beginnings from Liguori's website, Amazon, and hopefully soon at a Catholic bookstore near you!

Michele is the wife of a Ph.D student and mother to two precious little girls. In her spare time, she enjoys writing books for Liguori publications, where you can find her newest book, Faith Beginnings, a guide for parents raising their littlest ones in the faith. She blogs over at My Domestic Monastery, where she chronicles the daily rhythms of raising little ones in the faith and growing in the married vocation.