Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Our Pregnancy Loss Story

After just over a year of unemployment/underemployment following David's PhD graduation, David was offered his current job and we started trying to conceive immediately. We wanted Lucia to be close in age to her first sibling and would not have waited as long as we did if David had found a job sooner. We love being parents and have dreams of a large family. We were more than ready for a new addition.

One cycle passed. Then another. And a third. We conceived Lucia in our fourth cycle of trying and lo and behold, the fourth cycle yet again resulted in a baby! We got a positive pregnancy test on September 1, several days after a missed period and after many negative pregnancy tests. My due date was May 8.

We were waiting to announce our pregnancy until after our first appointment, which was scheduled on October 8th.  I was just shy of 10 weeks.  At our appointment, the midwife could not hear the heartbeat, which isn't unusual for that early in the pregnancy.  My uterus was also measuring a few weeks too small and the midwife assumed I was just off on my dates and just "less" pregnant than I thought I was.  She assured us that she was not worried in the least but suggested that we get an ultrasound to get a better idea of our due date.

But I knew something was wrong.  I use Natural Family Planning and have been charting my cycle for years.  I hadn't charted the cycle I got pregnant (because it was getting to be too stressful for me trying to conceive while charting and not being successful right away), but still, it's hard not to notice where you are in your cycle when you've been doing it for so long.  So I knew that it was highly unlikely that my dates were two weeks off.

It was much more likely that the baby had passed two weeks prior.  We didn't tell anyone we were pregnant after the appointment as planned because we were worried and no one else needed to worry with us.  The night after my appointment, I started bleeding.  I wasn't too concerned because the midwife warned I would probably bleed a little after my appointment and the blood was dark.  The following night, Thursday, October 10, when I was exactly 10 weeks pregnant, the bleeding picked up, turned bright red, and then the cramps began.  And the back pain.  And the hip spreading pain.  And pain shooting down the tops of my thighs.  And while the midwife we called in the middle of the night said that there was a chance it wasn't a miscarriage and the baby was fine, I knew.  It felt like labor.  The purpose of labor is to push out a baby.  

I stayed up almost all night.  The pain was just too much.  We rented "World War Z" and in typical fashion, David fell asleep on the couch as we watched it.  I watched it intently and fully credit it with getting me through the worst part of the physical pain and allowing me to avoid some of the emotional pain.  Something else to focus on was good.  Thank you, Brad Pitt.

By Friday morning around 8 am, the bleeding had slowed and the pain had completely subsided.  In all, the pain lasted for about 12 hours.  We went in for a midwife appointment.  The midwife did an exam and said that indeed my cervix was open and that I was passing "something".  She removed some clots and "tissue" that were at the opening of my cervix.  I bawled. Another midwife was in the room as well and said things like, "Maybe the next one will take." And, "Miscarriage is very common in Western cultures; it's probably caused by something environmental." And some other equally hurtful things that she for some reason thought were helpful as I sobbed on the exam table. I was asked if I wanted to keep the "tissue". I said yes.

We already had our ultrasound scheduled that day for "dating".  When we went in for the ultrasound, the ultrasound tech was so excited for us and told us where "daddy can sit to see the baby".  It hurt so much to tell her that we were just there to check if "anything" was left.  It really hurts to stare at your empty womb on the screen.  Then the doctor came in and told me that it looked like I had probably had a miscarriage but they couldn't be sure because I hadn't had a previous ultrasound so they couldn't be sure anything was ever there. I only had a pregnancy test to say that I was ever pregnant, he said, in a tone that told me he thought perhaps I was never pregnant at all. I was too choked up to tell him that yes, we did have proof, the remains of our child were in the car.

We went home and it was over. David called our parents to tell them.  I bled for two more weeks and then all physical signs that this child even existed were erased from my body. We struggled to find a place to bury our child. Lucia continued to kiss my tummy and talk about the baby in there until she finally forgot because we had stopped talking about it.  We received condolences from family and friends and then...nothing.

It was over.  But not for me.  Life goes on, it seems, and we must too. I read somewhere that grief lasts much longer than sympathy and it rings true. The suitable time for mourning has passed (after all, I was "only" 10 weeks pregnant; I've been unpregnant for longer that I knew I was pregnant, so I should be "over it" by now, right?) and so I feel like I must now grieve in private. Alone. So very alone.




20 comments:

  1. Mandy, I'm so sorry. I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes after reading your story but still knowing that I can't possibly understand what you are going through. One of my best friends miscarried her first child a year ago and is still grieving, and I also saw my mother go through three miscarriages while I was growing up. I know that reading "Letters to Gabriel" was helpful to my mom. I will pray for you.

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  2. We still pray for you by name every night so I promise that you are not alone, though it feels like it. Reading the midwife and doctor's comments was so hard; I can't even imagine how hard that was to hear. I certainly hope no one has told you that you should be 'over it' by now; I would think that any mom who has miscarried would long for her child her whole life, even if that longing changes through the years. We will keep praying, Mandi!

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    1. I imagine that people who work in the medical field, especially a birth center and an OB office would have a little more tact and be better able to handle the situation. Several other people were kind, but the hurtful things are what I remember most. Thank you for your prayers.

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  3. Mandi, I am so sorry for your loss. I think with miscarriages people often don't know what to say. I honestly think the medical community treats miscarriages and even potential miscarriages very callously. I'm not even sure if they realize that the things they say that are supposed to make you feel better do just the opposite. I'm praying for you and your sweet little saint in heaven.

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  4. Dear Mandi, I can't imagine the emotional and physical pain you experienced. Often in rough times my mantra becomes, "Lord, give me strength". May He give you strength in this time of grief.

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  5. I'm so very sorry for your loss Mandi. Words can't ever explain your grief. Sending you hugs and lots of support.

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  6. Mani, I am so sorry for your loss. The hurt and the pain you feel are very real and cannot be capped by a certain time that has lapsed. I feel your pain. I have suffered three miscarriages and I have never really "gotten over it". Your child will always be missed. I found some solace by having my childrens' names written in The Book of Life at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents. Masses and prayers are said for all of the families who have their baby's names written in the book.

    Here is the link: http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp

    I will keep you and your family in my prayers. God loves you. Hugs from afar.

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  7. Mandi, you're so brave and so strong. Thank you for sharing this with all of us. I think it helps people understand the emotion behind a miscarriage; it allows us to offer a tiny bit more support. I appreciate that you are giving us the opportunity to not only pray for you and hopefully console you some, but you're also giving us the opportunity to give thanks for you sweet little baby that left all too soon. I am glad to call your child a brother or sister in Christ.

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  8. I am so sorry for your loss! I understand feeling that you are alone. I lost my first child later at 32 weeks. Even at a later loss, people still seemed to forget very soon while I was still very much in grief. I am praying for you today. A lost child at any age is still a part of you that is missing. Please feel free to contact me if you need someone to talk to. I know you don't know me but I have had years to heal and can understand where you are. hzapolski at gmail dot com

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  9. Oh Mandi, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for you, David, and Lucia and will be praying for you and your baby. I imagine there must be so little that can be said in the way of consolation, but if these comments are any indicator, you absolutely aren't alone. I hope you find peace in knowing you have a special little intercessor in Heaven. <3

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  10. There is no such thing as "over it". I miscarried in March of this year - I was 5 or 6 weeks along. It was and is heartbreaking, and there is no such thing as being completely "over it". I'm 24 weeks pregnant now with our rainbow baby and he's due in March - I thank God for him every day, as He is healing my heart through this pregnancy.
    But over it?
    No.

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  11. Praying for you Mandi!! Your story helps me better understand the miscarriage my own mother went through...

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  12. Ditto to the above - there's no time table for getting over it, particularly because you had no real warning before the pain. One of the {few} blessings from my two miscarriages this year was that I knew what was coming - I've thought a lot about the hidden blessing in that and I don't like to imagine what it would be like to find out like you did, or with no warning whatsoever. The only little bit of advice is that one miscarriage does qualify you for early viability scans with a lot of doctors. My second miscarriage was disappointing and sad, but being able to find out at 6.5 weeks had it's own positives.

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  13. You aren't alone, sweetie. Many of us are sitting there with you through this time including me.

    (((((Mandi)))))

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  14. Thanks for sharing!! So sorry and praying lots for you all!!! It is never a matter of how much time it takes to grieve, but what you got from it and that you keep having the faith you do. There is a quote from Saint Gianna Beretta Molla, "One cannot love without suffering or suffer without loving." So take your grieving as great love you had for your little baby no matter how old they were and keep loving!!! :)

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  15. Oh Mandi, I am so sorry to hear this. Please know you and your family are in my prayers.

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  16. Know that I am praying for you, Mandi.

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  17. I am so very very sorry. God console you in His mercy.

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  18. Mandi, I am very sorry for your loss. Do not let anyone (including yourself!) tell you that there is a "suitable mourning period" and that you should "be over it". Your grief and your feelings are your own reality and you should absolutely take as much time to grieve as you need. I cannot imagine the physical and emotional pain you must have gone through with the loss of your child. Peace be with you my dear. You will be with me in my prayers.

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  19. Oh Mandi, I'm so sorry. The pain of miscarriage is very real and very difficult. I often think of our first child that we miscarried and wonder what he (I just sensed he was a boy) would be like and how he would fit into our family. It helped me to give him a name and to pray/talk to him in Heaven. God bless you.

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