I've heard several moms express that they were wholly unprepared for how difficult breastfeeding would be. This is honestly a very foreign concept to me. I'm not sure how the seed was planted (most likely something I read on a blog or several) but I was very prepared for breastfeeding to be a trying experience. When I was pregnant, I read many more breastfeeding books than pregnancy or parenting books combined (this was my favorite). I read about all the potential pitfalls that awaited me and kept the books handy for reference after birth.
Imagine my surprise then when Lucia and I experienced not a single breastfeeding problem. No latch issues, no tongue ties, no supply issues (except perhaps when I went back to work part time when she was 8 months and I struggled to find time to pump), not a single clogged duct. I didn't even have engorgement pain when my milk came in. We were certainly blessed in this respect and because I had expected a struggle, I did not take this for granted. I was able to feed my child the way I desired, in the way that nature intended. It seemed, I had also avoided one of the biggest source of new mother guilt (breastfeeding issues).
Imagine my surprise then when Lucia and I experienced not a single breastfeeding problem. No latch issues, no tongue ties, no supply issues (except perhaps when I went back to work part time when she was 8 months and I struggled to find time to pump), not a single clogged duct. I didn't even have engorgement pain when my milk came in. We were certainly blessed in this respect and because I had expected a struggle, I did not take this for granted. I was able to feed my child the way I desired, in the way that nature intended. It seemed, I had also avoided one of the biggest source of new mother guilt (breastfeeding issues).
Except I didn't. I shared this Facebook post earlier this week:
I didn't realize until I posted just how heavy this had been weighing on me. I've heard women recount time and time again the burdens of guilt brought on by motherhood and I have blessedly been free of most parenting guilt. I acknowledged that I felt sadness about Lucia weaning so early but it's only recently that I've realized it's more than that.
If you've read my post on breastfeeding in church, you have an idea how I feel about breast feeding. I believe breastfeeding is beautiful, an incredible work of nature. It bonds mother and child and has incredible mutual health benefits that research is only beginning to uncover. I feel all my passion and facts supporting extended breastfeeding don't mean a thing when I am trying to promote something that I couldn't even do myself.
During the early months I sometimes resented that I was the only one who could feed Lucia and would groan when I had to stop what I was doing again to feed her. But after that initial period, especially when it became spaced more than every two hours, I really, truly loved it. It was special time for the two of us. I would stare down at her as she would look up with her big blue eyes and I could see how much she loved and trusted me in that moment. I could provide all the nutrition that my child needed, in a way that no one else good and it felt good. Even once it became "nursing gymnastics" and it was less of me holding my baby and more of me becoming a jungle gym with milk, I loved that time to withdraw from the rest of the world and just be the two of us.
So when she stopped, it was much more than a physical separation. Just like so many other moms get emotional about the big milestones that signify that their little ones are a bit more independent and need them less, weaning was emotionally difficult for me. In part, I felt like I had forced Lucia to become independent before she was ready because I am certain that working outside the home three days a week contributed to the decrease in nursing. But the emotional pain went deeper than that and it wasn't until I started reading the comments on my above Facebook post that I realized why I was taking it so hard. You see, many of those comments went something like this: "My child weaned (at an early age) because I was pregnant..."
So when she stopped, it was much more than a physical separation. Just like so many other moms get emotional about the big milestones that signify that their little ones are a bit more independent and need them less, weaning was emotionally difficult for me. In part, I felt like I had forced Lucia to become independent before she was ready because I am certain that working outside the home three days a week contributed to the decrease in nursing. But the emotional pain went deeper than that and it wasn't until I started reading the comments on my above Facebook post that I realized why I was taking it so hard. You see, many of those comments went something like this: "My child weaned (at an early age) because I was pregnant..."
Ah, and there is the heart of it. I always assumed that I would at least be pregnant with the next child before weaning the previous one (and I had even hoped to tandem breastfeed). Eventually, there would be a last child who would be weaned without a pregnancy or younger sibling, but since we want a large family, that seemed many years, maybe even decades, away.
And then Lucia weaned with no sibling in sight and that was a physical reminder that our family would never be what we had hoped for. Yes, it could still be large and perhaps we would get pregnant soon and our kids would still be close together as we desired, but it would never be that "perfect family" that we had planned. I don't know where I picked up the obviously flawed idea that we can perfectly plan our families. I'd like to blame it on the contraceptive culture which tries to tell us that we have perfect control over when we have children, but I think it goes deeper than that (and I've certainly seen that same mentality among NFP circles). I don't think it's a bad thing that I've been forced (by this any many other reminders in my life) that I truly have little control over these things, but it stings nonetheless.
And then Lucia weaned with no sibling in sight and that was a physical reminder that our family would never be what we had hoped for. Yes, it could still be large and perhaps we would get pregnant soon and our kids would still be close together as we desired, but it would never be that "perfect family" that we had planned. I don't know where I picked up the obviously flawed idea that we can perfectly plan our families. I'd like to blame it on the contraceptive culture which tries to tell us that we have perfect control over when we have children, but I think it goes deeper than that (and I've certainly seen that same mentality among NFP circles). I don't think it's a bad thing that I've been forced (by this any many other reminders in my life) that I truly have little control over these things, but it stings nonetheless.
Originally, when Lucia weaned, though longing for another child, we were postponing pregnancy; we were living with my parents and David was still searching for a job after graduating with his PhD a year prior. Shortly after, he was offered his current job and we immediately began trying to get pregnant. I had renewed hope that if I got pregnant right away, Lucia may take an interest in nursing again when the baby was born (I know this may sound odd to many of you, but having her start nursing again at 2 was not a strange concept to me since I had originally hoped to nurse long after that). Then the months passed with negative pregnancy tests and menses bringing fresh tears and deepening the wounds. After four months, we got a positive pregnancy test and the pain of Lucia no longer nursing dissipated because I would now have a new child to breastfeed.
And then we lost the baby. And I realized that there really is no guarantee we will have another child. We probably will someday. I am young and healthy and most women who have miscarriages go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. We take longer to get pregnant than normal, but while secondary infertility can affect anyone, we don't currently have any reasons to think we won't conceive again. But there was something about that miscarriage that reminded me that maybe Lucia is our only, our last, baby. And, oh what I wouldn't give to still be nursing her, to still have that link to her babyhood right now.
So maybe it isn't so much breastfeeding guilt but that breastfeeding uncovers a longing for something that is gone. Our "perfect family". The child we lost. The control we thought we had. The innocence of young motherhood that once lost, can never be recovered.
I thought there were many good comments on that FB post of yours, but I certainly did cringe when I saw the "because I got pregnant" ones. :( I think in realizing that God is in control of your family, you also need to think about how we cannot control every thing our kid does! They are a separate person, and that's a hard thing to think about, especially in that under-18-month period. I also never had the 'usual' mom guilt I hear about, but there are certain issues that are unique to me, just as this is to you. But I hope you realize you did an amazing thing for Lucia, and you still ARE doing amazing things for her, but in a different way.
ReplyDeleteYeah, there were just so many of those comments and they just hurt. I would have felt very differently if the reason she weaned was for a new pregnancy. That's a completely different thing than weaning on her own. I think a sibling is the best gift you can give your child, even more so than breast ill, so it really dug into the pain I feel of not giving Lucia a sibling close to her in age.
DeleteAlso. If I hadn't been working, I think I would have accepted her weaning earlier better, but I think she wouldn't have weaned so early if I was at home so it can't be chalked up to her individuality, but to something I did as well. Glad you have mostly escaped motherhood guilt as we'll. It seems like such a burden.
I am a little jealous that you got to breastfeed for almost a year and a half!! I am unfortunately one of those women who do not produce enough milk to feed my babies due to insufficient breast tissue. Just like you I planned to extended breastfeed and read lots of books on it. I am so happy for you that you got to breastfeed your baby with so little trouble. My first was ebf for 1 week and partially bf for 7 weeks. My second was ebf for 5 days and partially bf for 4 months. Both of those periods feel so insignificant in light of what other mothers are able to do for their children. In contrast, we have had no problems conceiving either of our daughters. I suppose this is an illustration of the different blessings and crosses our Creator gives to us. You have done an amazing thing for your daughter!!
ReplyDeleteAh, Amanda, so true that we each have our own blessings and crosses! And each of us sees the same things differently some as blessings and some as crosses. I think many moms would be thrilled at 17 months of breastfeeding while I struggle with it being not long enough. And many women would be thrilled to take 4 months to get pregnant while I struggle because it's longer than the "average" (2 months for women who know when they ovulate and are actively trying to conceive) and I fear it will only get harder as I get older. (And I know so many women who say, "My husband only has to look at me and I get pregnant." Comparison is the thief of contentment!)
DeleteI think motherhood is just unpredictable. We definitely learn that we are not in control with other life experiences, but NONE top motherhood. Perhaps because you love that child more than life itself and we would rather shelter them from any changes and any harm at all. However, at the end of the day we cannot control that. From the moment you see that positive pregnancy test you worry and you just lack control. That is so HARD for me and for almost everyone I know. I think breastfeeding is one of the most beautiful and selfless thing we can do for our children. And 17 months is an incredible accomplishment! Think about the fact that only 30% of babies are breastfed at 6 months! You have a strong faith, and God will give you his idea of the perfect family!
ReplyDeleteMotherhood is so unpredictable, even the things your think you can control! Do disagree with your thought that God will give us the perfect family. We live in a world of free will, sin, and the laws of nature. God did not will our child to die in the womb but allowed it. His perfect idea for our family included that child living and growing with our family, but because of the imperfect world we live in, that did not happen. God does not will fertility problems either, again that is the result of the imperfect world we live in and the imperfect bodies we have here. He allows it and can overcome it, but he does not will it.
DeleteI hadn't consider your perspective on that, but when you made your way around to it, I got it. Not because I understand a child weaning from breastfeeding, but because in the last year I have found myself confronting several matters with the same disappointment of "this is not what I planned." And even more than this not being what I planned, the chance for having what I planned is gone. For most of my life the possibility of all the things I wanted actually materializing existed. But it's now becoming clear that certain "dreams" just won't happen. I've passed that age or that chance. Many of them are silly little non-specific daydreams that don't matter much. But some are real and disappointing to lose. And yet, we're both probably learning something really valuable and growing. But it's still hard.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to take motherhood as it comes as I know "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men..." There is so much thrown at you as a new mom that you feel like you have all these expectations for how you should go about caring for your child (breastfeeding, delaying cutting the umbilical cord, to co-sleep/not to co-sleep, what type of discipline, etc). My husband has been amazing at keeping me grounded in this area by reminding me that as long as we pass the Faith onto our children, we'll have done it right. That's the big picture and it won't matter in the long run how well I can cook or clean or what particular method/theory I used to discipline or if I fed my child organic food, but as long as we pass on the Faith to our children, we'll have done our jobs :) Makes life a whole lot simpler.
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