What we're celebrating today, softening my heart of stone, and where you can find me.

Today is my fourth wedding anniversary.  It doesn't seem like it's been that long, yet I can't quite remember what life was like before David.  This past year has been a tough one for us moving once again away from our families, David starting a new job. and our two miscarriages but, if anything, it has only affirmed how blessed I am to have David as my partner through it all.  

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Anyway, my blog break is still going on (though I will probably have a fashion post up next week so you can help me decide which items from my Twice order I should keep and which I should send back - kind of like a po' folks version of Stitch Fix.) but I wanted you to know where you can find me in the meantime:  

I am a contributor for Faith in All Times, a website dedicated to Catholic women dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss.  My newest essay just posted:

Sometimes I wonder if my own hardheartedness is to blame for my miscarriages. I've grown so much spiritually since (and through) my losses. Perhaps God knew that the only way I would truly humble myself and trust Him was through being utterly in pain, broken, and empty. It's true that it's easier to reach out to God when we have nothing on this earth that can comfort us.

If that's the case, then my children are truly my road to salvation; they are guiding me to the Cross. They have not suffered. No, they have been redeemed while I have suffered their absence. How blessed are they to have never had to endure the hardships of this earth! And all the while, they are helping to bring their mother closer to them in heaven.

Shouldn't it be the opposite though? Shouldn't I, their mother, be the one shepherding and guiding them to the Lord? Protecting them? Sacrificing myself for them? The order seems to be reversed, but the ways of the world are not the ways of the Lord. "The first shall be last" and all of that. So here it is, a mother being guided toward heaven by her children...continue reading at Faith in All Times

I'll also be contributing to Blessed Is She, a daily Catholic women's devotional starting in September. Until then, you can subscribe to get the daily readings, read the contributor's bios, and follow us on a plethora of social media to get your daily dose of the Word.  I'm personally helping head up the Pinterest page and would be pleased as peaches if you'd follow along.  I'm very excited about this project and the faithful, committed group of women who are dedicated to it. 

Last but not least, I recently joined Instagram so you can follow me there.  I've been sharing some of my favorite scriptures (and pictures of my sweet pea).  Here's my recent absolute favorite:

To the Mom of Five Children (Close in Age)

Hey, you! Yeah, you - the mother of five young children close in age.  I see families like yours everywhere.  In the pews before us at Mass.  At the grocery store.  In the park.  I always try to meet your eyes, but when you see me looking, you usually look away.  I can’t be sure why, but I imagine that it’s because you’ve seen one too many disapproving looks.

Your large family is counter-cultural.  You make people uncomfortable because you embrace the very things that society teaches us to fear: children.  Life.  People wonder if you’re crazy.  Or you’re Catholic.  Or if you own a television.  I don’t.  Your children are beautiful blessings.  It seems perfectly sane that you would welcome more of them. 

Let me tell exactly what I see when I see your family...continue reading at A Knotted Life

My friend, Bonnie, has been taking a bit of a blogging break while moving and has had a ton of guests posts in the interim.  I strongly suggest you poke through the posts over the last few weeks because there are several really great pieces.  I also love the posts Bonnie has written about pregnancy loss.  Oh, and if you don't already know about her son's (alleged) miracle through the intercession of Venerable Fulton Sheen, you can get caught up here or read the (very) recent exciting news about the case here.

Catholic Pregnancy Loss Ebook: Submissions Wanted

Hi all! I'm interrupting my blogging break to announce a new project I'm taking on.  I'm putting together an ebook on pregnancy loss especially for Catholic women.  It will include chapters of various women's personal accounts and experiences, as well as topical chapters such as:

• how to commemorate your baby
• pregnancy after loss
• physical healing after miscarriage
• how to respond to hurtful comments 
• prayers
• profiles of Saints who are special intercessors of pregnancy and loss
• reflections on specific scriptures
• etc.

If you would like to contribute, please contact me messywifeblessedlife@gmail.com for more details.  Feel free to pass this information on to others who you think may be interested in contributing. The deadline for first drafts is August 1st. 

When to tell a toddler about a pregnancy

I recently had a reader email me with a question about when to share her pregnancy with her toddler.  Since this is a question many women may have, I thought I might expand a bit on my answer and make it into a blog post.  I'd love to hear other thoughts on the matter as well, so please share yours in the comments below!

First of all, if you are reading this because you are pregnant, congratulations!  Each family may share the joyous news of a pregnancy in different ways and I truly believe that there is no one right answer.  This question is, understandably, a little more complicated for women who have previously had a miscarriage or have reason to suspect they have a higher than average risk for miscarriage.  However, the truth is that every woman and every pregnancy may end with the death instead of the birth of a baby, so it's a valid concern for any pregnant woman.

In the past, David and I have told Lucia about our pregnancies as soon as I got the positive test.  We strongly believe this was the right decision for our family and will continue to do the same for future pregnancies.  We liked that she was able to talk to and kiss my tummy and this bond with her siblings from the beginning, something that meant even more after we lost the babies.

Young children are generally very resilient when it comes to loss. They often cope better than adults.  (In part, I think, because they have such a strong connection to the divine.) It's valuable for children to learn about death as a part of life. My role as a parent is not to shield Lucia from tough realities but to help her work through them in age appropriate ways.  Because of the incredible advances and medicine, death is not as much a part of daily life as it once was.  Obviously, that's a good thing, but it also means that we as a society are often ill-prepared to face death when it does occur.  Learning about death at a young age, in a way that is guided by loving parents, will lay a foundation for our children to deal with death in healthy ways later in life. 

We keep the memories of our lost children alive in our family by naming them and talking about them regularly.  It didn't make sense to us to hide the existence of our unborn children from Lucia until we were past the first trimester since we didn't plan to hide their existence even if they had passed. They are members if our family from the beginning and we treat them as such.

I also cannot imagine how I would have explained to Lucia why mommy was so sick and so sad for so long if I couldn't explain about my miscarriages.  Most likely, after you lose a child, you're other children will notice something and I liked being able to be honest with Lucia about what was going on.

All this is not to say that I don't see some benefits of waiting to tell. Because of our history we plan to wait as long as possible before telling others (outside our immediate family) about our next pregnancy - something a loudmouth toddler might spoil.

If you do miscarry, having to break the news to a little one can be extremely painful for you. After both my miscarriages, Lucia continued to kiss and talk to my tummy, something that always brought me to tears. It took a while for her to understand that the baby was no longer there and that she would not, in fact, be able to hold and play with and grow up with the baby like we had told her. That second part was mostly an issue after the first miscarriage. After my first loss, we talked about pregnancy much differently with Lucia, focusing on the present (the baby in mommy's tummy) instead of the potential future (what life will be like after the baby is born). When the baby died, Lucia only had to grieve the fact that the baby was no longer in mommy's tummy and not the lost future with a sibling. I suggest that no matter when you decide to tell your child(ren), you think about how you'll talk about the pregnancy and the baby in a way that fits for your family and your situation. 

Whatever you decide to do, be assured that your family is in my prayers.  I pray for families who are expecting and families who have experienced pregnancy loss every night.  May God bless you as you make this and other decisions for your family.

Mess

This started out as a Five Minute Friday.  But then I didn't have five whole minutes free on Friday.  Seriously. Not five minutes.  So it was written in a minute here and a minute there over the course of two days, probably equaling probably ten times five minutes, but I wrote on the prompt, so can I still get a cookie?

I noticed recently that the cleaner my home is, the better I handle messes.  If Lucia strews the contents of her toy box about our otherwise tidy townhouse, I know that it's only a matter of 10 or 20 minutes keeping me from order.  And if I need a break from the mess, I only have to walk into another room to get a reprieve.  But when my entire home is out of sorts, any one mess seems like it might be the one that sends me over the edge.  It's just one more thing on my already overwhelming to-do list.

That realization didn't stop there though.  My interior life is much the same.  If I face a hardship during a time where I am otherwise in a place of peace, it seems manageable.  I can let it wreak a bit of havoc knowing that calm is just a little while away.  But when the same suffering arrives into a life already burdened by sorrows, it knocks me off my feet.

So it was with my miscarriages.  We were just coming out of a year of unemployment/underemployment for my husband, our fourth out of state move in four years, and several stressful months of trying to conceive.  It looked like the sun was just starting to come out and we were anxious for some time to heal from the pain of the previous year.  And then we lost a child.  Three months later, we found out we were pregnant again, but the outcome of that pregnancy looked grim from the start.  We lost that child a month later.

Looking back, I don't feel like I dealt with either of those miscarriages particularly well.  I know that there is not any one way one should grieve, but I can see that so much of my struggles with the grieving process were caused by everything else compounded with the losses.  I just wasn't in a very good place to weather any tough blows and two miscarriages in four month really shook an already rocky foundation.

Over the past few months, I've made a lot of efforts to take care of the everything elses of my life - eating healthy, exercising, sleeping more, deepening my prayer life, spending quality time with my husband, reading literature and spiritual works, nurturing friendships, and focusing on being present to my Lucia.  In addition, several of the factors out of our control just seemed to fix themselves - we recently got an answer to our financial stress, David's job has turned out to be a perfect fit for him, and we've settled into our new home. 

We're coming up on the due date of the first child we lost, who we named Francis Michael.  I would be 39 weeks (and two days, but who's counting?) right now.  If things has been different, I might have a baby in my arms right now.  I fully expected this to be a difficult time, but the past week I've felt nothing but joy. 

I have done some specific things to heal from our losses - reading books on pregnancy loss, attending counseling and a support group, etc - but I truly feel like it's the cleaning up of all the other messes in my life and putting my health and soul in order that has made this healing possible.  Making the best of life as it is laid a foundation in which I have the freedom to focus on grief.

At the same time it's made me realize how good my life is now - today - and stop pining for the life it could have been with another child.  Truly, I can't imagine what it would be like to have a baby or me anticipating labor right now.  That life seems so far away, so distant.  Although I'll always wish to have those two children we lost in our family instead of just in our hearts, I know that the today of reality is not any worse than the today that might of been.  Just different. 

Enjoying the good life, my friends.

This post could have taken a very different twist, in which I wrote about the mess that a trip to the beach causes. We're still finding sand everywhere.

 

 

Pregnancy Loss Resources: A book about the science behind miscarriage

Coming to Term: Uncovering the Truth about Miscarriage by Jon Cohen

Coming to Term is a different type of miscarriage book - it's purpose is not to comfort women or share personal narratives and coping strategies; instead it explores the scientific research behind miscarriage which, in it's own way, can be a comfort to those who have experienced pregnancy loss.  The author, Jon Cohen, is a journalist who, after having gone through his wife's multiple losses, noticed that doctors seemed to have very few concrete facts about miscarriage and set out to discover the scientific truth behind miscarriage himself by piecing together the scant medical research on the topic.

I read Coming to Term after my first miscarriage and was a bit ambivalent about it; after having a second miscarriage soon after, I'm grateful to have read it.  Knowing some concrete facts about the causes of miscarriage and some of the potential treatments kept me from losing hope after my second loss.  I still often repeat to myself the statistic that Cohen shares: a woman who has a history of repeat miscarriages - three or more - still has a 70% chance of carrying a pregnancy to term without medical intervention.

Perhaps the biggest lessons to be learned from this book is that miscarriage is more common than it was once thought, is largely still a mystery, and most miscarriages cannot be prevented.  Those are some tough facts to face for women that want answers and treatments, but can also be a comfort to know the truth, especially for the many men and women who are told conflicting, outdated, and non-evidence-based information from various medical professionals.

In additional to the hopeful statistics for future pregnancies, the two additional pieces of information that I have felt most useful to me are: 1) Research shows that approximately 50% of miscarriages are due to chromosomal abnormalities, which couples have no control over.  These losses are, essentially, just "bad luck" and do not raise the risk for future miscarriages. 2) Blood clotting disorders cause a significant number of miscarriages and the use of heparin and aspirin during pregnancy has been shown to raise the chances of successfully carrying a baby to term.  Because I read this book, I was able to ask my doctor about testing for blood clotting disorders.

I would caution women from reading this book right after a miscarriage.  Give yourself a few months to heal and read some of the more compassionate experience-sharing books first.  (I recommend After Miscarriage and Angels in my Heart.)  I found Coming to Term at times to be very difficult to read because it approached miscarriage in a clinical way.  In addition, there is frequent reference to abortion (there are some very strong links between abortion and miscarriage research), fertility treatments that do not respect the dignity of life, and surrogacy, all of which bring up ethical/moral issues and may be difficult to handle soon after a loss.

A consumer-focused view of parenthood runs throughout the book, though it certainly isn't the author's focus or even his intention; he simply includes stories of real couples, many which unfortunately include elements of this.  It is worth reading this book for the valuable medical information it contains; however, make sure you have healed enough and are prepared to be confronted by these issues.

And Jesus wept. (+ Answer Me This!)

I've found a lot of comfort in yesterday's Gospel, the raising of Lazarus (John 11:1-45), especially the simple phrase, "And Jesus wept."  Christ's friend Lazarus died and He wept in mourning, even though He knew that He would soon raise Lazarus, even though there was an afterlife.  After all, death was never part of God's original plan for mankind, but a result of sin.  Like all things, God can still bring great good out of the consequence of sin, but there is still a sadness in it. 

After my miscarriages, I often heard something along the lines of, "You shouldn't be sad that your children died. You should be happy because your child is in heaven." I've heard that other moms who have experienced pregnancy loss have been told the same.  I understand that those who say that are doing so out of love, but for those of us who are already struggling to find space to grieve in a society that generally doesn't acknowledge our loss, it's hard to be told that we shouldn't be in mourning.  I don't speak for all women who have had a loss and I'm sure there are women who take comfort in those words, I'm just not one of them.  Even if my children are in heaven, a thought that I do find comfort in, I still feel their absence profoundly.  Sadness and happiness are not mutually exclusive emotions.  If Jesus, who is God, wept at the death of a friend, surely I can weep at the death of my child without reproach.

I've found much consolation from the Gospel readings this Lent. The previous Sunday's reading (John 91-41) was very powerful as well:

As Jesus passed by he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither he nor his parents sinned; it is so that the works of God might be made visible through him."

This part was so powerful that I cried!  During the Gospel and during the homily.  I cry often during movies but very, very rarely during Mass.  But this was exactly what my heart needed to hear.  Our losses are not punishment for something we had done.  I've never really believed that they were, but I guess, somewhere, deep down, I still had that doubt.  This Lent has truly been exactly what I've needed for healing.  It makes me wonder if Lent has the ability to become what I need every year and I just haven't paid enough attention to let it.

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While I'm here....Kendra started a new weekly link up called "Answer Me This". She started it last week without knowing it but it now has a name and and an image.  I'm answering last week's questions.  You can find this week's for the upcoming Sunday link up here.

1. Where do you live? And why do you live there? I live in Raleigh, NC.  The short answer of why we live here is because my husband got a job here after a year-long job search. We probably would have moved anywhere just for him to have a job, but we lived here previously and loved it.  The more drawn out answer is that a blog reader saw me write a post on how David was possibly interested in teaching high school.  She previously worked at the school, is friends with the Dean and told him about David.  How cool is that?  A blog reader helped my husband get a job! 

2. What are you currently watching and/or reading? Currently reading Mansfield Park, Story of a Soul, Prayer: Our Deepest Longing, Prayer: Does it Make any Difference, and Out of the Silent Planet.

3. What kind of Catholic are you: cradle, or convert? (Or considering?)cradle

4. Can you point to one moment or experience that made you a practicing Catholic? (Or want to be?)I don't know that there was a specific moment though I credit my strong faith to the Catholic school I attended K-3.  The point when I took my faith on as my own decision was sophomore year of high school when I pushed to be put in the Confirmation class with my peers even though I was starting a month late because my family didn't know about the classes since we weren't attending Mass regularly at the time. 

5. How many pairs of shoes do you own? I'll have to count but probably around 20.

6. Are you a good dancer? I'd say I'm decent.  I don't think I'm particularly embarrassing but also not super talented. 

7. Who usually drives, you or your husband? Husband.  Always.  I can't remember the last time I drove when he was in the car.  It's happened maybe a handful of times in our almost four years of marriage.

8. What's your favorite holiday and how do you celebrate it? I've always loves St. Patrick's Day, probably because it's always been lumped in with my birthday (which is the day before).  I also loved that it is a holiday of obvious Catholic origin that is now a part of our American culture.  And I love corned beef and cabbage.  We don't do a ton to celebrate and are still figuring out how we'll celebrate it as a family, but corned beef and cabbage will always be a staple.

9. Which is correct? Left or right? I'm not one who really cares about this debate, but I prefer left.

10. Do you have any scars? Yes, I have a scar from chicken pox on my forehead that gets pointed out a lot.  It gets edited out by most professional photographers which annoys me because it's been part of what I look like since I was nine.  It doesn't bother me anymore.  I should just tell them not to edit it out, but I always forget because I don't even notice it now.

old picture of me on my honeymoon rocking the scar

I also have a faint scar on my cheek from a saber tooth tiger attack. (My dad climbed a tree with me on his back when I was a baby and a branch got me bad. So, logically, when my mom got home, my dad told her that it was the result of a saber tooth tiger attack and he saved me.  I has become a family legend.)  I probably have a ton of other small ones because I'm accident prone and find myself with bruises and scabs all the time with no idea where they came from.

11. What's the most famous thing you've ever done? I was on the front page of the city newspaper when I was in ninth grade for winning a trophy at the state chess championship.  I was the top female player in the tournament and the trophy was appropriately very pretty.

Let's Talk About Miscarriage

Recently, I've been setting up quite a few Facebook parties for my Lilla Rose business.  I also recently hosted an Usborne book party.  If you don't know how this works, a Facebook event is set up, the host invites guests, and at an appointed day and time, the consultant, host, and attendees all get on Facebook at the same time.  Questions are asked, games are played, information is shared.  It's really fun.  I enjoy putting on these events for customers and I had a great time hosting for my friends. 

I started thinking about how amazing it was to get people from all over the country (and potentially the world) to discuss one topic.  There is a completely different vibe from blogging because it's much more conversational and immediate.  I started to think about what else I could do as a Facebook event and the possibilities went much further than selling hair accessories.  I could set up an event on any topic and "meet up" with many other women who are interested in discussing it with me.  Sounds fun.  And enlightening. 

So what would I love to converse with other women about?  Books and raising children and marriage and...and...miscarriage.  More than anything what makes me feel a bit lonely and isolated right now is miscarriage.  I imagine I'm not alone in feeling alone.  While I think great strides are being made, it's still very much a taboo topic.  So, I'm creating a little space where we can talk about it.

I'm going to prepare some questions to talk about and some quotes and resources to share, but also I'm going to let the conversation go where it will and if structure isn't necessary, I'll put them aside and we can just talk.  You are welcome whether or not you've ever had a miscarriage.  If you haven't had one and would like to ask some questions to understand what your friend/family members are going through, all that we ask is that you are respectful.

In order for the event to be more private (not show up in news feeds), I have created a "Let's Talk About Miscarriage" Facebook group.  Please request to join the group and you will then be able to see and RSVP for the event within that group. Again, you do not have to have had a miscarriage to join the group, you just have to want to join the conversation. Then join me on Monday, March 31 at 9pm EST. 

Comfort for the Grieving Mother from Another Place and Time

I am deeply saddened by the sorrow which has just come to you; it is indeed a real trial for you...May Our Lord grant you resignation to His holy Will!  Your dear little child is with God; he is looking down on you and loving you; and one day, you will posses him again.  This is a great consolation that I have experienced myself, and which I still feel. 

When I had to close the eyes of my dear children and bury them, I felt deep sorrow, but I was always resigned to it.  I did not regret the pains and the sorrows which I had endured for them.  Many persons said to me: "It would have been better for you if you had never had them."  I could not bear that kind of talk.  I do not think that the sorrows and the troubles endured could possibly be compared with the eternal happiness of my children with God.  Besides, they are not lost to me forever; life is short and filled with crosses, and we shall find them again in Heaven.

France, 1870.  From a letter written by Bl. Zelie Martin, mother of St. Therese of Lisieux, to comfort her sister-in-law after she experienced the loss of a child at birth.  Bl. Zelie Martin, and her husband Bl. Louis Martin, lost three children in the first year of life and another at age five. 

A Brew, An Apple, and a Busy Week #7QT

--- 1 ---

So, I had this crazy idea.  And I talked to a couple other bloggers and either A) they are crazy too or B) the idea wasn't so crazy after all.  Jenna (Call Her Happy), Carolyn (Svellerella), and I have created a Facebook group, The Catholic Brew, where we'll be sharing blog posts, random updates, articles we like and just plain old conversing with our readers.  And our readers can converse with each other.  Community, you know?  Interested in joining?  Click here.

--- 2 ---

Shabby Apple is basically my favorite store.  Never mind that I currently don't own anything from it.  I've been virtual window browsing for years.  But today, I buy!  There is a Shabby Apple sale on Zulily and because I hemmed and hawed and ended up not buying the jammies I raved about last week, I have a Zulily credit to apply to my order.  I'm thinking either the top middle one (Floral Neap Tide) or the top right (Yellow Tulleries).  Which one do you think?  There are about a million others on the page (and some skirts and tops), but I'm not even going to look anymore because I'm infamously indecisive and I do not need to have more in the running.  If you're in the market for some new wardrobe pieces, check out the sale here.

--- 3 ---

We have an uncharacteristically busy week coming up, starting tonight.  The plans include: a school play, our first Creighton class, a park play date with some out of state friends, the Ignited by Truth conference (where I'll get to hear our lovely host, Jen, give a few talks), a birthday party, and probably some other things I'm missing.  This may not seems like a lot for most people to do in a little over a week, but I'm a bit of a hermit, more by circumstance and laziness than real choice.  I'm looking forward to getting out and about, but not looking forward to paying babysitters. 

--- 4 ---

Other than a St. Patrick's Party on Monday (which I have a post brewing about), this week was a fairly slow week.  I've been really pleased with my productivity though.  I've done a ton of housecleaning and made my first corned beef and cabbage meal and even remembered to read liturgically themed books to Lucia (our St. Joseph books is probably way too advanced for her, but I read it while she was playing anyway).  Naps have been going better because I've been more diligent about making it happen.  (As we speak, I have two toddler napping simultaneously.  Super win!)  It has just felt so good to be productive and to end my day tired because I've been working hard.  I feel very much back in the swing of life and feel like perhaps our survival mode is coming to an end.  Thank the Lord!

--- 5 ---

Another thing that really brightened the week was the pregnancy loss support group I attended on Wednesday.  It sounds strange to say a group where women sit in a circle and talk about the loss of their children was a bright spot, but it really was.  It is very much out of my comfort zone to attend new groups of any kind, but I am so glad I forced myself to go.  I definitely see the work of the Holy Spirit in just getting me out the door.  The amount of support and courage and faith in that room was amazing.  Also, I came home with a couple new favorite scriptures.  I'm thinking of printing and framing my favorite:

 

--- 6 ---

I'm reading a book on Bl. Zelie Martin, the mother of St. Therese of Lisieux.  (This book, since several people have asked.)  I've found it extremely interesting, not only reading about her life and parenting but just learning a bit about the time she lived.  She went to visit her baby who was rooming in with the wet nurse!  I also found it fascinating and heartening that she married at age 27 and still had nine children.  And she was an entrepreneur with her own lace business and workers under her, a business she built before getting married.  That has to be somewhat rare in her day.  I think she'd be an incredible Patron Saint for working moms.

--- 7 ---

Several of you have recently asked how I'm doing in relation to my miscarriages.  Thank you all for your love and concern.  My automatic response is to say I'm doing ok and there are times when that's the truth.  I wrote this post on Sunday about how I was feeling at peace.  But then the last few days have been super tough.  In fact, I've spent most of today crying.  Thank goodness Lucia's friend Mary Margaret comes here on Fridays - they keep each other distracted and I don't think either noticed the crying.  

I'm not sharing this because I want kind words or sympathy.  I don't think there is anything that would really help at the moment.  I'm simply sharing this because I want to give an honest answer.  I don't want anyone to think, "Oh, she's doing so great a month later!" because I want you to know that if you've gone through something similar that it's ok to still be crying a month later.  I am.  I imagine that on special occasions or particular dates, I'll still find myself crying years from now.

Some people are able to heal more quickly.  If that describes you, I also don't want to you think, "What's wrong with me?  I should still be mourning!"  Because you shouldn't be doing anything specific.  There are no rules, ok?  Grieve how you grieve and give yourself permission to do so.  Easier said than done.  I'm working on it too. 

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

You Have Only to Keep Still

Last night, I went to a pregnancy loss support group.  I'd be remiss if I didn't say that I was quite nervous to go.  It was heartbreaking to hear other women share their losses, but it was intensely comforting to know that I'm not alone.  Maybe I'll share more of my experiences in the future, but for now, I just want to share two quotes that the group leader shared and that have been lodged in my soul.

 The Lord will fight for you; you have only to keep still. -Exodus 14:14

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

Pregnancy Loss: Siblings & St. Therese

I'm reading the autobiography of St. Therese of Lisieux, The Story of a Soul, and came across a particular passage that really touched me as a mother who recently lost two children in the womb.  She wrote:

After Marie entered the Carmel, and I no longer had her to listen to my scruples, I turned towards Heaven and confided them to the four little angels who had already gone before me, for I thought that these innocent souls, who had never known sorrow or fear, ought to have pity on their poor little suffering sister. I talked to them with childish simplicity, telling them that, as I was the youngest of the family, I had always been the most petted and loved by my parents and sisters; that if they had remained on earth they would no doubt have given me the same proofs of their affection.  The fact that they had gone to Heaven seemed no reason why they should forget me--on the contrary, as they were able to draw from the treasury of Heaven, they ought to obtain for me the grace of peace, and prove that they still knew how to love me. 

The answer was not long in coming; soon my soul was flooded with the sweetest peace. I knew that I was loved, not only on earth but also in Heaven.  From that time my devotion for these little brothers and sisters increased; I loved to talk to them and tell them of all the sorrows of this exile, and of my wish to join them soon in our Eternal Home.

St. Therese's siblings did not die during pregnancy, but they did die in infancy/early childhood.  Therese, being the youngest of the family, never knew them and yet she knew of them and was able to form a relationship with them.  From a young age, she loved them.  She felt their love for her.  They continued to be a part of her life. 

I've been struggling quite a bit thinking of how we are going to talk about our babies with Lucia.  We told her that I was pregnant as soon as I found out and we told her afterward that the babies had gone to heaven, but I'm fairly certain she no longer remembers.  She also currently has no understanding of death or heaven or even of siblings.  So we haven't talked to her about her siblings since our last loss.  I'm not sure if we'll continue to be silent for a while until she has a greater understanding of these concepts or if we'll start bringing them up, perhaps during her nightly prayers.  What I am sure of is that I want her to have a relationship with her siblings like St. Therese had with hers, based on love and faith.

You can download a free copy of The Story of a Soul for Kindle here.  (You do not need a Kindle to do so, you can download the free Kindle Reading App to your computer, phone, or tablet.)

Our (Family) Plans: How Pregnancy Loss Changed Our View of the Future

A reader asked the following question and I decided that it was a good starting point to share how we are moving forward with our family plans following two miscarriages.


Does pregnancy loss affect your view on having more kids? Well, yes and no and maybe.  

It affects it in the sense that it's no longer a given that David and I will have a large family.  We always assumed that we would have a family of 5+ (living) children but with two miscarriages, I'm realizing that having a large family may be much harder than we thought and may not, in fact, even be possible for us.  I had a very uncomplicated first pregnant and while it took us longer than average to get pregnant, we did not experience infertility and we kind of took having children for granted.  We're much more aware of the blessings of children and the unpredictability of fertility.  So in that way, it completely changed our view.

Has it changed how many children we want or how we will decide to space or children, etc.?  I'm not sure yet.  We still want a large family, but it may change whether we actually plan to have a large family (as much as you can plan those things...) A lot of that will depend on whether we discover a cause for our losses and if that cause is treatable.  We will be learning Creighton (a method of Natural Family Planning/Fertility Awareness) and charting our cycles for our doctor to examine in order detect hormonal imbalances or other underlying issues.  I do know that my progesterone was low during this last pregnancy and we were supplementing it.  We will also be doing testing for clotting disorders.  If a cause is found and there is a well-known treatment (that is affordable to us), then we may still be able to have many children and will have some confidence going into future pregnancies with a medical "plan" in place.

If a cause isn't found or it's a cause that isn't treatable, or if it is too expensive for us to treat, I know we'll eventually try again anyway - the odds of carrying a child to term are still in our favor.  I don't know how long it will be before we are ready emotionally and physically to do so.  If our next try results in another loss, I'm not sure what we would do going forward.  I imagine we'll keep trying.  David and I feel very strongly that we will have another living child but we also feel strongly that we will have more miscarriages.  I think miscarriages will definitely prompt us to put more space between pregnancies because two losses close together have been very physically and emotionally exhausting for me and I feel like I need to be completely recovered before we try again.  (Or as recovered as possible.  I imagine the emotional pain will never completely cease, but that is will at some point reach it's low point.)

I sometimes feel a desire to pursue adoption instead.  It seem easier, like less of a risk though I know of families who have also experienced the painful loss of a child when an adoption falls through. The expense of adopting is certainly a hurdle for us, although medical tests and treatments for a pregnancy might be as well. I also believe that adoption is a special calling, not just a "last resort" for couples who cannot conceive or carry to term, and while I have always had a little seed of desire to adopt regardless of whether we can have a family of biological children or not, are not feeling that is the path for us to take at this moment.  We will certainly consider adoption often over the years as we continue to seek to expand our family.

After Lucia was born we wanted to never using NFP again and simply get pregnant when we get pregnant, but it seems as though that may no longer be the option.  I would love the idea of surprise pregnancies, but I have a feeling that ours will always have to be carefully planned for some reason or another - either to help us get pregnant or to know when we need to do supplementation or other treatment to reduce the risk of miscarriages - and that makes me a bit sad.  I don't like the idea of pregnancy being more of a medicalized and highly planned experience instead of a completely natural one, though I am certainly grateful to medical science if it can help us reduce the risk of losing another baby.

In short, yes, it absolutely changes our view of our future family, but I'm not exactly sure how or to what extent yet.  It's something that is going to evolve as we gain new information and as we go through more pregnancies. For the time being, the testing and charting will put off another pregnancy for some time and, while I know the waiting will be difficult (already is difficult), I'm actually quite glad to have that decision made for us at this time.  I am looking forward to this period as a time of healing.  We're going to focus on making a full life for our family of three, getting involved in our community, getting healthy, and dedicating time to new endeavors (I'm going to finally take my sewing machine out of the box).  Most of all, we're going to start living in the present and let God take care of the future. 

Moving forward. (Toward Christ.)

Friday was a frightening day for our family.  I'm not ready to share the whole story, but in short I woke up early in the morning soaked in blood and passed out.  We made a trip to the emergency room and after a few hours I went home and spent the rest of the day in bed.  I passed out again later in the day and suffered a few hours of excruciating pain, but just when we prepared to make our way back to the hospital, the bleeding stopped considerably and the pain completely ceased. 

The past few days have been difficult as I'm still suffering the effects of blood loss (headaches, lightheadedness, weakness, etc.), but it seems as if the miscarriage is over.  There is no guarantee, of course.  If not everything has been expelled, cramping and bleeding may pick up later, but I'm certainly hoping that these last few days have marked the beginning of the healing process.  I'm very much looking forward to having some time before me to heal physically and emotionally.  

Two miscarriages only four months apart have taken their toll.  I have been feeling poorly since I started feeling pregnancy symptoms in early September.  The physical and emotional strain of that pregnancy turned into the physical and emotional strain of miscarriage and that entire process was repeated only a few months later.  When I try to describe how I'm feeling, the only word that seems to fit is "tired".  Physically, emotionally, and spiritually tired.  

We'll soon enter the liturgical season of Lent.  Most years, I struggle to make my Lent meaningful, to have a personal investment in it.  This year, I'm running toward it as a safe refuge.  A quiet, contemplative, austere time in which I can unite my sufferings with Christ.  This Lent, I don't have to work on stripping my life down to the bare minimum; I am already there.  The reason we simplify our lives is to make room for God and right now I'm feeling like there is a great emptiness within me ready to be filled with Him, of only I let Him.  

Joining Jen. 2 of 7.

Baby Naming

I started writing this post last week but left it unfinished in the drafts because I didn't quite know if I was ready to share this.  And then, I saw this baby name link up at Team Whitaker and figured that was my sign to finish it up and press publish.

I was one of those girls who had notebooks full of baby names long before meeting my husband.  I think it's safe to say that none of those baby names will go to use (and for good reason - middle schoolers aren't very discerning when it comes to baby names), however, I still obsess over baby names.  And I honestly think that's a good thing.  Naming a child is a huge responsibility, perhaps one of the things we do as parents that affects them numerous times a day as they meet new people, fill out paperwork, answer phone calls, etc.  Like it or not, your child's name with give people first impressions of who they are even though their names say more about you than they might about them.  

Writing Lucia's name on the social security paperwork shortly after birth was probably the most surreal thing about the whole birth experience.  We were just adjusting to the idea that we had a daughter (we did not find out the sex before birth and I was convinced that we were having a son) and even though we had a name picked out months before, we just seemed inadequate for the task of naming her.  It's almost as if giving her a name was what made us parents.  After all, that is something that only a parent does.  (Not sure why I didn't quite feel that being pregnant or giving birth clearly marked me as "mom" but motherhood is complicated, ok?)  I think the naming process wouldn't have been so daunting if we had found out the sex and had referred to our child by that name in utero for months, instead of having mere hours before having to write it on paperwork, but we loved the surprise and we're planning to keep it the same every pregnancy forever.

Sometimes naming a child has much less far-reaching implications.  David and I have decided to name the two babies we lost to miscarriage.  Few people will ever use their names.  We'll never see them on name tags or write them on paperwork. But the names of all three of our children are important and they were all painstakingly chosen, so I've decided to include them all here.

Since we didn't find out whether Lucia was a boy or girl, we had to have two names at the ready.  The boys name was picked out before we were even pregnant (and in some ways before I even met my husband).  The girl's name was much harder to nail down since it seemed David and I had opposite taste in names.  My main choice for name inspiration was a book of women Saints that I owned.  I would thumb through the pages looking for names that I liked and only read the corresponding story if I felt the name was "in the running".  There were several names that were clearly not going to happen, like Hedwig and Hildegarde, but anything I half liked I ran by David and 99% he turned down on the spot.  Very early on, two front runners emerged: Alena and Lucia.  Alena was actually the favorite for quite some time and I can't remember why we decided on Lucia instead, but we did so somewhere between 20 and 30 weeks.  Lucia's name is equally in honor of St. Lucy and Sr. Lucia of Fatima as my husband has a great devotion to Our Lady of Fatima.  Her middle name, Rose, was decided from the very beginning.  It is my middle name and my aunt's middle name in honor of my great grandmother, Rosa. 

After my miscarriage in October, several people urged us to name the baby.  It took a week or so before we felt comfortable with doing so.  Naming a miscarried child seemed so different than naming a living one.  We had names picked out for our next baby before this one was even conceived, but it didn't feel right to use either one of them.  I know many parents feel comfortable giving the child a gender specific name based on their gut instincts, but I didn't feel one way or another with that baby and was wrong with my gut instinct that Lucia was a boy, so we decided to choose a gender neutral name.  Searching "gender neutral Saint names" don't come up with many results, but I immediately found one that I loved: Francis.  Although more commonly associated with boys, Frances is a common enough girl's name and St. Frances Cabrini is one of my favorite Saints.  The biggest decision we had to make was which spelling to use.  While researching the name, I found a source that said that until the last few centuries, both spellings were used interchangeably for boys and girls, so we simply went with the one that was most aesthetically appealing to me.  We chose the middle name Michael after the Archangel.  When I think of this baby, I think of the baby being either "my Frank or Frannie" and joyfully look forward to the day when I find out which nickname fits.

This may sound a bit strange, but I had already chosen the name of our recently miscarried baby before I got pregnant again.  It was a gender neutral name that would only be used for another lost baby.  Not that I necessarily expected to miscarry again (and I truly did not think I would miscarry twice in a row) but it was a name that I came across when I found the name Francis and tucked away as another favorite.  It feels a bit odd to give a child a specific name because he/she passed before birth while we would have given that same child a different name had he/she been born.  But at the same time, we feel blessed to be able to do the only thing we can do to parent this child other than conception: name him/her.  We chose the name Julian Gabriel.  Julian, while usually considered masculine, is the name of many Catholic Saints, including the female St. Julian of Norwich.  Gabriel, like the middle name we chose for Francis, is in honor of the Archangel. 

I'm attempting this madness at the behest of Jen:

It's not jealousy.

Before I got pregnant with Lucia, seeing pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies was hard.  That was jealousy.  I wanted to have a baby and begrudged those who either were in the position to have a baby (married, out of school, stable job, whatever) when I wasn't or those who had babies even though their positions were less than desirable.  In fact, I can't say that I could even feel happy for those who were having babies while I was not.  All I could see was myself - my desires, my fears, my anger, my hurt, my jealousy.  I wanted what they had and if I couldn't have it, I didn't want them to have it either.  I don't feel good about admitting that.  Those feelings came from a less than charitable place.  That jealousy was sinful and soul-eating. 

After my miscarriages, it's often very, very hard to see pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies.  But it's not jealousy.  In fact, my feelings have very little, if nothing, to do with the women who are making those announcements or in those pictures or holding those babies.  For them, I feel happiness.  I feel joy at the beauty of new life.  Having Lucia, I know the immense blessings of motherhood and I am so happy that other women get to experience it.  I truly wish motherhood was available to all who desired it; infertility breaks my heart and I cannot begin to imagine the pain carried by the women who suffer from it. 

The reason these things cause me pain is not because of jealousy.  No, I do not begrudge other women their babies.  And I don't want their babies for myself.  I want my babies.  The ones I lost.  The unique human beings that I carried in my womb.  They have their own souls, their own personalities.  Their own DNA.  They cannot be exchanged for another's child.  Those announcements and pictures and sweet little babies simply remind me of what I lost.  What I can never have.  Even if I get pregnant again and the child makes it to birth and I get to hold that baby in my arms and I get to hug and kiss and raise it, that baby will not replace the ones I've lost.  

And I imagine if the day does come when I get to birth another baby, that too will cause me pain.  That too will be a reminder of the moments that I'll never have with two of my children.  And it doesn't mean I'll love that child less or that that child herself will be the cause of my pain.  Again, the feeling will have little to do with her.  For her, I will feel joy and love and the million other complex emotions that come with motherhood.  But it will still be a reminder of what once was and what could have been.  

One of the most important things I've done for myself in this healing process has been to acknowledge that these feelings are not bad.  Unlike the jealousy I felt years ago, these feelings don't come from sin.  These feelings come from grief, loss, pain.  They are not cruel or angry or hurtful.  They simply are.  I know not all women who've had miscarriages struggle with pregnancy announcements or visiting new babies.  We all grieve in our own unique ways.  But I do struggle.  And that's ok.

Not all pregnancy announcements bother me, nor do all newborns.  I've had several friends announce pregnancies or have babies since my miscarriage in October and I was unaffected by the news.  The most difficult reminders have been the ones that are the most obvious reminders - those who have due dates similar to mine.  Watching their bellies grow throughout pregnancy is kind of like watching the ghost of my pregnancy.  What would have been.  What will never be.  I imagine as we near my due date and those babies are born, it will become even harder.  I often wonder if I'll see those children five, ten, fifteen years down the road and still feel sadness, still imagine what would have been, still try to imagine how my child would have been similar or different.  Only time will tell.

In addition to acknowledging that these feelings are ok, I've also allowed myself to block the reminders that have caused me pain, at least for a time.  I've unfollowed the blogs of women who are due within a month of my due date and hidden friends from my Facebook newsfeed for the same reason.  I've left groups where pregnancy talk was too difficult to bear.  At times, I've left Facebook and stopped reading blogs altogether for a period.  At first, I felt that I was allowing myself to be weak.  Or letting my weakness rule me.  Now I'm starting to realize that we need to honor our feelings and protect ourselves.  Maybe it is weak to not be able to see cute bump photos.  Weak or not, right now, that's what I need.  I know it won't be forever.  

I'm coming up on a difficult time - one of the pains of miscarrying so early in a pregnancy is that as a general rule, people don't announce pregnancies that early.  So in a few weeks, I'll start seeing announcements that correspond to my due date.  And not long after that, the due date of my first miscarriage will be here.  And if it ends up being too much, I'm not going to force myself to be strong.  I'm going to turn off my computer and let myself cry.