Thursday, February 20, 2014

It's not jealousy.

Before I got pregnant with Lucia, seeing pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies was hard.  That was jealousy.  I wanted to have a baby and begrudged those who either were in the position to have a baby (married, out of school, stable job, whatever) when I wasn't or those who had babies even though their positions were less than desirable.  In fact, I can't say that I could even feel happy for those who were having babies while I was not.  All I could see was myself - my desires, my fears, my anger, my hurt, my jealousy.  I wanted what they had and if I couldn't have it, I didn't want them to have it either.  I don't feel good about admitting that.  Those feelings came from a less than charitable place.  That jealousy was sinful and soul-eating. 

After my miscarriages, it's often very, very hard to see pregnancy announcements or bump photos or babies.  But it's not jealousy.  In fact, my feelings have very little, if nothing, to do with the women who are making those announcements or in those pictures or holding those babies.  For them, I feel happiness.  I feel joy at the beauty of new life.  Having Lucia, I know the immense blessings of motherhood and I am so happy that other women get to experience it.  I truly wish motherhood was available to all who desired it; infertility breaks my heart and I cannot begin to imagine the pain carried by the women who suffer from it. 

The reason these things cause me pain is not because of jealousy.  No, I do not begrudge other women their babies.  And I don't want their babies for myself.  I want my babies.  The ones I lost.  The unique human beings that I carried in my womb.  They have their own souls, their own personalities.  Their own DNA.  They cannot be exchanged for another's child.  Those announcements and pictures and sweet little babies simply remind me of what I lost.  What I can never have.  Even if I get pregnant again and the child makes it to birth and I get to hold that baby in my arms and I get to hug and kiss and raise it, that baby will not replace the ones I've lost.  

And I imagine if the day does come when I get to birth another baby, that too will cause me pain.  That too will be a reminder of the moments that I'll never have with two of my children.  And it doesn't mean I'll love that child less or that that child herself will be the cause of my pain.  Again, the feeling will have little to do with her.  For her, I will feel joy and love and the million other complex emotions that come with motherhood.  But it will still be a reminder of what once was and what could have been.  

One of the most important things I've done for myself in this healing process has been to acknowledge that these feelings are not bad.  Unlike the jealousy I felt years ago, these feelings don't come from sin.  These feelings come from grief, loss, pain.  They are not cruel or angry or hurtful.  They simply are.  I know not all women who've had miscarriages struggle with pregnancy announcements or visiting new babies.  We all grieve in our own unique ways.  But I do struggle.  And that's ok.

Not all pregnancy announcements bother me, nor do all newborns.  I've had several friends announce pregnancies or have babies since my miscarriage in October and I was unaffected by the news.  The most difficult reminders have been the ones that are the most obvious reminders - those who have due dates similar to mine.  Watching their bellies grow throughout pregnancy is kind of like watching the ghost of my pregnancy.  What would have been.  What will never be.  I imagine as we near my due date and those babies are born, it will become even harder.  I often wonder if I'll see those children five, ten, fifteen years down the road and still feel sadness, still imagine what would have been, still try to imagine how my child would have been similar or different.  Only time will tell.

In addition to acknowledging that these feelings are ok, I've also allowed myself to block the reminders that have caused me pain, at least for a time.  I've unfollowed the blogs of women who are due within a month of my due date and hidden friends from my Facebook newsfeed for the same reason.  I've left groups where pregnancy talk was too difficult to bear.  At times, I've left Facebook and stopped reading blogs altogether for a period.  At first, I felt that I was allowing myself to be weak.  Or letting my weakness rule me.  Now I'm starting to realize that we need to honor our feelings and protect ourselves.  Maybe it is weak to not be able to see cute bump photos.  Weak or not, right now, that's what I need.  I know it won't be forever.  

I'm coming up on a difficult time - one of the pains of miscarrying so early in a pregnancy is that as a general rule, people don't announce pregnancies that early.  So in a few weeks, I'll start seeing announcements that correspond to my due date.  And not long after that, the due date of my first miscarriage will be here.  And if it ends up being too much, I'm not going to force myself to be strong.  I'm going to turn off my computer and let myself cry. 




15 comments:

  1. I don't usually comment but I love the honesty and acceptance of your own feelings. So often we feel guilty for our emotions, and that's hurtful to ourselves. Emotions are what make us human and though I've never been in that situation, I can't imagine the pain. My mom had 2 miscarriages and my brother was a full term stillborn. When I had my daughter and she needed to be intubated to breathe, I was so terrified at even the thought of losing her I had to be calmed down by the doctor. After that I realized just how strong my mom is to have suffered through what she did. You're a strong woman and mother who is courageous for being so honest!

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  2. I felt the same way after my miscarriage. It was painful to see announcements because I so desperately wanted my baby back. Hugs to you...those anniversaries are so hard!

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  3. You cannot know how closely I hold you in prayer. There will always be a pang, but I pray for your peace. God be with you as you mourn. March 1 will mark four years since my ectopic rupture and I miss that little child still.

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  4. A close friend of mine had a baby within a couple of days of when I should have had my lost baby.. 4 years down the line (and despite the fact I had my son only 7 months later) I still often think about how I would've had one her age when I see her.
    Hugs to you Mandi I really do feel for you x x x

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  5. Oh, Mandi, you are in my prayers! I am so sorry that you are going through this!

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  6. Reminders of what we have lost are can be so painful. I"m sorry you are dealing with this. I felt the same way for a period fo time after my miscarriage.

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  7. Mandi…this post was so beautiful…thank you for writing it. I have walked in your shoes. It's been many years since my miscarriages…plural…and some years I remember their anniversaries…and other years I do not. As I near menopause (I'm 44) the pain of those announcements is becoming less frequent…just due to my own aging, but what still causes me to get a lump in my throat is when I see blogs with little badges on their sidebars that read, "Big Families are a Blessing". I wanted a big family. God had other plans for me. So little families are a blessing too! I love being mama to my three (ages 9, 7, and 3) and I can't wait to meet my other 5 when I get to Heaven. I guess I am mama to a big family!!! Hugs and prayers for you.

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  8. You need to do whatever YOU need to do to feel okay. I know those expecting women whom you've un-followed and un-friended understand that. <3

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  9. You describe exactly what I am feeling. Even during infertility, the reason that pregnancies and babies made me so upset (like spiral-into-the-depths-of-despair upset) was because they shined a glaring light on what I didn't have and couldn't have. I'd be going about my day, trying my best to act normal and then - BAM - reminder of my infertility (usually a bump pic) smacked me right in the face. Jealousy was definitely mixed all up in that, but even then it was mainly about wanting *my* babies (and I actually mourned them, despite having no miscarriages). And now, post-miscarriage, it's a lot of the same emotions, which I hate having to feel again. Those Facebook and blog reminders still shed such a glaring light onto what I don't have. But now, unlike during infertility, there is no jealousy. So at least there's that.. because jealousy sucks. And as someone who dealt with all these emotions for many years, be gentle on yourself. Self-preservation is okay. You need to be in the best shape you can be to take care of Lucia, so de-friend and block all you need. Prayers for you.

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  10. Perfectly stated. I feel like you voiced what I felt but couldn't put into words.

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  11. Beautiful post. Thank you for your honesty in sharing your heart.

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  12. Mandi, so many prayers for you. I can't imagine your pain being weakness at all; I can't imagine how unbearable the heartache must be. To be able to speak with love and honesty as you did here, that shows (me) strength and grace.

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  13. Thank you for your insightful honesty, Mandi. I have long thought that one of life's greatest sorrows is the loss of a child. Your babies were precious, unrepeatable, beautiful children of God, and you honor and love them through your remembrances and grief. I pray that you will be uplifted through your heartache, and for peace of mind and heart.

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  14. You should check out Love and Salt if you haven't heard of it or read it. I highly recommend it as a way to deal with the feelings of grief after miscarriage.

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