Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Nursing in Church: Yay or Nay?

When I asked for some blog post title suggestions, I only got was "Nursing in the Sanctuary: Yay or Nay?".  (I have been informed that the sanctuary is the part of the church where the altar is and that the area where the congregation sits is the nave but I wouldn't use nave in daily conversation so henceforth we shall simply refer to it as nursing in church, meaning the nave/main area of worship.)  I'm so excited about this topic.  I would have never thought to write a post on this, but it turns out, it's an area where I have a bit of experience and a lot of opinion.

I'm going to start with my beliefs on breastfeeding in public:  I believe that every place women and children are welcome is an appropriate place to nurse a baby.  Babies cannot wait to be fed.  Breastfeeding is feeding a child, simple as that.  It's not a sexual act or a political statement.  

If you feel differently than me about this, then this is not the post for you.  This post will not be addressing breastfeeding in publicNor will it discuss whether women should or should not cover while nursing.  If you'd like to debate those topics, there are plenty of online forums, blog posts, articles, etc. that address them specifically; this is not one of those places.  This post will only be addressing nursing in church - whether, in my opinion, it is appropriate to do so in the main worship area or women should leave for the cry room, lobby, or another space to nurse.

Above, I mentioned that it never crossed my mind to write about this topic.  The reason is this: I have never thought about nursing in church as distinct from nursing in any other public location.  Although, when I critically think about nursing in church, I realize that I do act slightly different while nursing there than elsewhere (more on that later).  

I understand why some nursing mothers may be have questions about nursing in church.  We live in a society where breasts are considered first and foremost to be sexual.  I personally believe this to be a bit backward, since the life-giving, nourishing function of the breast is much more important and, in fact, essential to the history and survival of humanity.  But it is what it is and even those who intellectually acknowledge the preeminence of nursing over sexuality have a hard time removing the ingrained ideas of shame and impropriety that come along with thoughts or images of breasts.  So let me use a few images to illustrate the appropriateness of nursing during religious worship:

Leonardo da Vinci, circa 1500
in St. Augustine, FL, circa 1600-1620
anonymous
All these are images of Christ being nourished at the breasts of His Mother.  Historically, we know that Jesus was breastfed.  There was not the option for formula and Christ, being fully human, had the same nutritional needs of all other babies throughout all of time.  But not only was He breastfed, this act was considered to be so important that it is the subject of an entire category of religious art with their own titles, "Maria lactans".  (To see more images see the list of Maria lactans here and this great Pinterest board.)

And where were these paintings/statues displayed?  Perhaps some were commissioned to be hung in private residences (in clear view of guests).  The vast majority were hung in churches.  Pictures in which breastfeeding (and therefore the breast) was plainly, and obviously, depicted were hung in churches!  They were not considered to be immoral, immodest, or improper, but to be a part of worship - holy, religious, faithful. 

Since picture of the Blessed Mother breastfeeding (without a cover!) are displayed on the walls of churches, surely there is no impropriety in nursing your child in the pews.  If women are welcomed in church (as they are) and babies are welcomed in church (as they not always are but always should be), then the natural, God-given method in which women feed their babies should be welcomed in church.

It should go without saying that a mama who is more comfortable nursing in private or whose little one easily gets distracted when nursing with people around, etc. can and should find a quiet place outside the main worship area.  But if she would otherwise nurse in the store or in a waiting room or on a park bench, there is absolutely no reason why she should feel like she should have to leave a church to nurse.  If others in the church have problems with you feeding your child while worshiping God (who Himself was nursed as a baby and, as the Creator of the world and the natural order, created this beautiful and unique way in which mothers feed their children), it's their problem, not yours.  You should not have to stop your religious worship in order to feed your child.

I nursed my daughter for about 17 months.  We didn't nurse in public during the last two months or so (nursing had turned into gymnastics and I was not willing to do that in public), but for those 15 months that we did, I purposely tried to plan nursing during Mass.  Especially as she got older and more active, nursing kept her quiet and fairly still for a chunk of time.  I was especially proud of myself when I was able to strategically nurse during the readings and/or the homily so I could actually hear them.  For a while there, we spent almost the entire Mass in the narthex with our active older baby/toddler, and nursing was the only time when I was able to join the congregation in the church.  If a mama was not welcomed in nave while nursing, it's quite possible that for a period of time she might not be able to enter it at all.

That said, I was always a bit more cautious to cover during church.  Regardless of location, I've always used a nursing cover when possible, out of personal preference.  I support a woman's choice to nurse without a cover, and some women who do so are much less conspicuous without a cover than I am with one, but for me, this was the more comfortable option. In church, my cautiousness with covering did not have to do with "decency" but with my own comfort level.    I felt a little more "visible" nursing during Mass, since I'd often be sitting to nurse while others are standing or kneeling, and at these times I felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.  It's possible no one even noticed, but it was comforting to me to have that cover securely on. 

(I will add that a huge part of my desire to cover at Mass when Lucia was nursing was because many of my students were there.  I was hoping to avoid "I saw the Spanish teacher's boobies!" being the talk of the playground.)

In our 15 months of breastfeeding in public, Lucia and I never had a negative experience in church or elsewhere.  Some sideways glaces or stares, sure, but I get some looks like that when I'm not nursing (perhaps just because I (gasp!) have a child at my age - mid-twenties - or because I'm babywearing and that's a hippie thing or maybe my fly was down, who knows?).  If I were to ever get a negative comment in Mass, though, you better believe I'd talk to the pastor about it.  If we as Christians want to cultivate a "culture of life" in which babies are valued, we also have to support the natural way in which babies are nourished, the same way that our Savior was nourished.

Many thanks to Emily for suggesting the topic.  I'm sure she'd love to hear your stories, experiences, and opinions regarding nursing in church as well (I know I would). 



29 comments:

  1. I love this, Mandi! Thanks for writing it!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I've nursed in the nave only once. I was visiting a huge, barn-like church with nowhere else to go; no vestibule, hallway, etc. So after looking around for options, I decided they must not care if I just nursed where we were sitting. I felt a little conspicuous as we were sitting near the front of one of the wings (in a cruciform layout), so lots of people could see us. But nobody looked or cared.

    One other time we were visiting another church that has all sorts of rooms and add-ons, so I asked someone where the nursery was ... to my surprise, it turned out to be a daycare room for little kids while their parents were at Mass -- I had never seen this at a Catholic church before. But I decided to sit and nurse anyway, and there was only one little girl in the room. When I left, I heard her ask the teacher what that lady had been doing. The teacher explained, "She was feeding her baby," but the little girl exclaimed, "No she wasn't! THAT'S not how you feed a baby!"

    I am sure we will do more nursing in church the next time around ... it's such a production to leave now, as it is, with one child; with a baby and toddler, I am sure we will just stay put more often!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Most churches we've attended really haven't had any places that were more private than the pews. (No cry rooms even - old churches!) I avoid cry rooms at all costs because there are usually rowdy (rude) children there and ever noisier parents and that is not at all a comfortable place for me to nurse.

      Delete
  3. I see no issues with breastfeeding in church, nor do I think the congregation would care,at least not any church I've been to. I fed my son right in the back, no issues. God made breasts for a reason:-)

    ReplyDelete
  4. My cousin posted on facebook earlier this year, "I'm pretty sure God said, 'Thou shalt not breastfeed in church.'"
    I started so many comments but deleted them all because I couldn't figure out a way to say what I wanted to say, without sounding snarky....so I just didn't say anything.
    This is a great post, and if I had the time, I'd dig up her old status and link this post on there ;-)
    Nail on the Head, Mandi
    <3

    I will say that I've been pumping and bring a cup of milk for J lately...which is a hassle and annoying, but he is so distract-able, nursing, cover or not, isn't and option... and it never fails he is just starving whenever we go to mass. C'est la Vie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Huh, that's an interesting comment your cousin made. I just don't get why anyone has such a big problem with it (unless they don't approve of nursing in public at all). It's just crazy to me that breasts have, until the last half century or so, been the only way of maintaining human life and still is the best nourishment for a child and yet THAT function is considered secondary to its sexuality! It just does not make sense at all!

      Delete
  5. Great post! I've been wondering what other people thought about this as well. I agree with you that we shouldn't have to leave Mass to nurse our babies. It's a great way to keep them quite for a little bit while you actually listen :-) I personally don't use a nursing cover. I usually wear a scarf or have two shirts on so that it's not obvious that I'm nursing. It's getting a little bit more difficult now that the gymnastics are starting though haha

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wanted to get one of those infinity scarves that were made especially for nursing discreetly. Seems like that would be even less distracting than having the super obvious nursing cover!

      Delete
  6. This is great timing! My 7 week old eats nearly every hour during the day and the last three weeks has needed to nurse during mass. I have nursed with a cover in the pew without hesitation bur the other day I did wonder for the first time what other people thought about
    This. It is always nice to feel validated and your post did just that!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I nursed in church a ton! We did bring bottles of expressed milk a few times because I was lectoring. I really didn't want to have to un-latch her to get up and do a reading (or read with babe attached to me..hmm). I also used a cover and felt odd about it at first. But it was fine. I'm trying to remember if I've ever seen anyone else breastfeed in church, and I'm sure they were (we go to a huge parish with lots of big families) but I just didn't see it.

    ReplyDelete
  8. What a wonderful post! Thank you for speaking up on this. It's hard enough taking kids to Mass, even in my Parish with is really child friendly, you still get the occasional look from someone when they get chatty or cry, and nursing can make it even more stressful. At first I didn't think it was appropriate, but than I realized, like you said, that Jesus was most likely breastfed. I get so happy seeing other mothers in at Mass with all their little ones, and seeing them stay in their seat and sit with confidence and nurse is so wonderful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Mo! It never occurred to me that it might be inappropriate, but I think that might be because I had a very, "It's natural, it's God-created" viewpoint from the beginning. I'm hoping that our society starts to view breastfeeding as the norm so that future generations never even need to have this internal dialogue.

      Delete
  9. I generally stop nursing in church once they get too acrobatic - for a while I would have to take John Paul into the adoration chapel, turn the light off, and lie down on the floor to nurse him. That's when I decided just not to let him nurse during Mass at all anymore :P And with Cecilia, we lived so close to church that once she got to be about 9 months old or so, she could last that hour without nursing and it was easier for me to wrangle John Paul if I could just hand her off to Andrew.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree, once they are acrobatic, they're usually old enough to be able to get through Mass without nursing!

      Delete
  10. Mandi, Thanks so much for writing the post! (and for writing it so well, for that matter!)

    Part of the reason I had suggested it was because I'm trying to unpack my own thoughts on the matter. I'm completely comfortable nursing (and have done so, with a cover) pretty much everywhere except in church. It was sort of an instinctive feeling that I should go to the cry room instead of staying in the pew, and still not sure exactly why.

    I think part of it is just not wanting to be a distraction during Mass (in part due to Anna's nursing acrobats), even to those who share an understanding of the natural/holy nature of breastfeeding. For example, we have a friend who is a priest who completely supports breastfeeding, but still feels uncomfortable is women nurse in front of him (even with a cover) - and I respect that someone could have that view, and accordingly go in another room or make extra effort to be extremely discreet when we're spending time with him. Similarly, I think we have a responsibility to contribute to an environment of reverence in the church - and that includes going to the cry room if nursing is going to be a huge distraction to other parishioners. I'm glad to hear that in your experience it hasn't been a problem for anyone!

    You make excellent points in your post, and I think I agree with it all, even though - as I said - I'm still figuring out exactly where I stand and what I'll do in the future. I'd be really curious to hear if anyone has a difference opinion that what you've written here.

    Thanks again for such a well-written response!

    Now - for my next question - does anyone know what the kids-at-Mass situation was like during our grandparent's generation? I've always wondered what it was like when almost everyone had large families. Did they take their babies and toddlers? Was it noisy or was there a very-well-used cry room? Did moms and dads go separately and leave the kids at home? I know that culturally speaking more people bottle-fed than nursed, so that wouldn't have been an issue, but in terms of keeping kids quiet during Mass, there's got to be some lessons we could learn from that time. Right?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I agree that we should limit the distractions to people around us, but for the most part, breastfeeding is not distracting, especially if done while well-covered (either by an actual nursing cover, or clothing that hides it well, etc.) If an adult is uncomfortable seeing it, they can avert their eyes.

      I look at it similarly to having a toddler in Mass. I do everything possible to keep my toddler quiet and fairly still so she doesn't distract others, and take her out if I have to (just like a nursing mother with a gymnast nurser or other breastfeeding issues that are particularly distracting would do), but she has a right to be in the church. She may be doing small distracting things, but she should still be allowed in Mass, and if others are distracted by it, they can turn away, move, or use it as a way to learn to block out outside distractions to focus more on Christ. They may give me dirty looks or say rude things, but my daughter belongs there, just as a nursing mother does.

      Delete
  11. I've actually had parishioners thank me for nursing in Mass: http://carrotsformichaelmas.com/2013/01/14/how-my-kids-didnt-ruin-mass/

    This is fantastic post. I wrote something similar about Maria Lactans--so much Christian art depicting Our Lady nourishing Our Lord. And Kate Wicker wrote a really good post about nursing in Mass.

    I've actually been blessed to nurse Lucy at the shrine of Our Lady of La Leche in St. Augustine (one of the images above). It was so special and I felt so grateful to be part of a faith that honors mothers and loves children.

    As I said in my post about kids in Mass, if we are to be truly pro-life, we have to embrace children of all ages in Mass. And there's something so beautiful about the image of a mother feeding her child during the Mass when Jesus feeds us with the grace of his precious Body and Blood. Well done, sister.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I try not to nurse in Mass, not because it's Mass, but because I don't like (or I should say Ted doesn't like) covering up to nurse. That being said, I say nursing is better than a crying child and easier than trying to give him a bottle. I think more people are becoming more open to people nursing in public places in general and I see Church as no exception. I think we always worry about the "looks" even if no one is looking at us...it just always seems like they are. :) I say kudos to any mama who is willing to go the extra miles to nurse their child and give them breast milk!

    ReplyDelete
  13. I am so uncomfortable nursing at mass... especially when I'm sitting right next to my friend's husband or something like that. I just don't want THEM uncomfortable and I STINK at covering myself up with a nursing cover. Something inevitably comes out! I do really appreciate that my church has a room connected to the bathroom specifically made for nursing moms. They have a few chairs in there, a changing table, and speakers so we can still hear everything that is going on at mass. I am most comfortable there... but I LOVE seeing moms who can nurse in the church area around everyone else. I think it's beautiful. They make it look sooo easy, too!

    Thank you for sharing, Mandi :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. This is so empowering, Mandi. I never hesitated to nurse my son at Mass, but I always felt defensive in advance. With my twins, we have always tandem nursed, and there just really isn't a discreet way to do that, period. (In the early stages of the tandem thing I felt like I didn't have the hang of it enough to do it in public, and about the time I felt confident, they got too wiggly to do it in church.) It is beautiful to connect the sustenance being given in nursing a child to the sustenance we receive in the Eucharist. Thank you for a lovely post.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think we need to do everything we can to normalize breastfeeding again. It reminds me of one of Christy's post about sometime the sacraments are all a mother has - sometimes, no matter when church falls in a new babies schedule, we *need* to be there in the presence receiving those blessings just as much as the next person.

    The only devil's advocate I would play on the whole issue is that we need to be mindful of others in the sanctuary. If we notice that our choices to feed a child while at Mass are distracting to others - particularly the young or others without as much control over what attracts their notice than I think we have a responsibility to act (whether that's going out of the sanctuary, covering, sitting in the back, etc.) in a way that does not distract from the point of the Mass - the Eucharist. As long as that is in our minds as we (often struggle) to find a way to balance out babies and church than I think all is good in my mind.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Holy comments, Batman! What an interesting topic! I NIP without a cover on the daily, and I do the same in church. For some reason (probably bc I always feed Sam right before we leave for Mass, so the timing is the same), Sam always wants to eat just 5-10 minutes before we process for Communion. I have received the Eucharist on my tongue with a baby on my breast so many times. I just think to myself, "Christ, nourish me so I can nourish him."

    ReplyDelete
  17. Also, new title for your another post:

    My Most Beloved Keepsakes

    ReplyDelete
  18. Love this Mandi! I couldn't agree more. I purposefully nurse during mass to try to get little babies to fall asleep and bigger babies to be quiet.

    I do always use a cover, but all those images of Our Lady do make me wonder if things were a lot different, nursing-wise during the Renaissance!

    ReplyDelete
  19. This is a great perspective...though we don't have kids yet, I've wondered how it has worked for other mommies on nursing in public. If people are going to get there panties in a know because is nursing her baby at church, maybe they should get a little more concerned when there daughter goes out wearing shorts that look like a wide belt....sorry no more soap box! ;)
    And those images too of the Blessed Mother nursing are really cool too, I've never seen any before this!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Well done, Mandi - thank you so much - this is really a wonderful post. As I started reading, I thought to myself, "Wow, I'm going to quote that line of hers in the comment I make to her, and enthusiastically tell her how much I love it, because it is spot on!" And then I kept reading, and I re-thought that identical comment over and over and over again. I can't pick a favorite! I'm going to save and remember this post for a long time - you share my own thoughts nearly to a T, but this is much more articulate than I could imagine myself coming up with. Well said, friend.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Thank you for this perfectly timed post!

    As a soon-to-be first-time mother (6 weeks until my due date!) and one who believes very strongly in a mother's right to feed her child when and wherever necessary, this particular issue is one I've been thinking about pretty regularly lately.

    We've only been at our current parish for a little less than 2 years, and I'm normally sitting with the choir, so I've never noticed other women breastfeeding during Mass. My sister has always left the church to feed her son (but I've only been around her a few times at Mass the last couple years, since she lives out of state, and as far as I've noticed she's not comfortable nursing in public anyway) -- my point being that I don't have many examples to go off.

    It's really comforting to know that there are other women out there who are supportive of breastfeeding in church, and I love your point of looking to the Blessed Mother and Jesus as our example.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Your experience and opinion is much like mine. I have nursed all of my babies at Mass and felt comfortable doing so.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi Mandi! The third Maria Lactens picture you have (the one labeled "anonymous") is my neighbor, so to speak! She's Our Lady of the Milk Grotto in Bethlehem, and I live in Jerusalem. She's responsible for hundreds of miracle babies! I wrote about her in my Quick Takes today if you want to check it out. :)
    http://shalomsweethome.com/2013/09/27/quick-takes-black-mud-bethlehem-and-blackouts/#qt6

    ReplyDelete

I'd love to hear what you have to say! You can also contact me directly by emailing me at messywifeblessedlife@gmail.com.