Mommy Body

I have wanted to write this post since my daughter was born (ten months ago).  A post about my postpartum body and my reaction to (interaction with?) it.  But it never seemed like the right time.

Our society expects the postpartum phase to end six weeks or so after birth, at about the same time working moms are cleared to go back to work.  But in truth, if you consider the postpartum period as the time a woman's body is recovering from childbirth, it lasts much longer than that.  This is especially the case for women who breastfeed, because fertility, and thus typical hormonal levels, often doesn't return for months (or years!).  I am just now feeling like my body is returning to normal.  It's not how it was before I got pregnant, but it's a new normal.  I'm starting to feel comfortable in my body again.  It's becoming familiar and second nature to live in this new mommy body.  

When I was pregnant (and before), I had certain expectations of how a woman's body changed postpartum.  I naively thought that these changes took only two forms: weight gain and stretch marks.  I now know that you can't have a baby and come out with only a few subtle reminders that linger in your midsection.  Oh no, the marks of motherhood are much more widespread than that!

Of course, every woman experiences different changes during pregnancy and childbirth.  My mommy body might not look anything like another woman's, but my pre-pregnancy body wasn't cookie-cutter either.  My experiences may or may not be your experiences, but right now, I'm feeling the call to be completely honest (and a bit vulnerable) and speak the truth about what having a "mommy body" is like for me:

Stretch marks.

In short, yes I have them.  On my stomach and on my sides (didn't realize your sides aren't safe).  I didn't start noticing them until I was 39 week pregnant, but Lucia cooked until 41 weeks 1 day, so they were pretty pervasive by the time she was born.  But of all my body changes, stretch marks is probably the one I mind the least.  I barely notice them.  I didn't wear bikinis before so they wouldn't ever be visible anyway.  Only my husband sees them, and I believe him when he says they don't bother him at all. 

Weight.

We get used to seeing celebrities who lose all the baby weight in six weeks.  In "real life", most doctor's don't even clear you for exercise until six weeks, so to have all your baby weight gone right away isn't realistic.  I was constantly told that if I breastfed, the weight would just "fall off".  Well, not quite.

I gained about 35 lbs total during pregnancy.  I had already lost close to 20 of it by my first appointment at seven weeks (of course, eight of those were the baby alone - lost at birth!).  At my next doctors appointment when my daughter was about five months, I had lost... no additional weight.  But at six months, the weight started to just come off without much effort from me and at ten months postpartum, I now weigh less than I did when I got pregnant.  The only actual effort I made to lose weight during this time was cutting out all drinks but water.

The most difficult part of the extra weight for me wasn't how big I was, it was more that I didn't have any clothes that fit me well.  For the first few weeks after Lucia was born, I continued to wear maternity clothes, but they soon became too big.  I was still many sizes away from wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes; it was a terribly awkward in-between stage.  Since I was continuing to lose weight, it didn't make sense to buy a whole new wardrobe.  (In truth, we couldn't afford for me to buy new clothes either.)  In fact, I did break down and buy a few pair of pants at thrift stores, but they only fit me well for a few weeks, then were too baggy.  While I didn't initially have much in the way of "body image" issues due to my post-pregnancy weight, I did develop some poor self esteem because I looked like a ragamuffin.  I will never again underestimate the value of a few nice outfits that fit me well.

Shape.

I may have lost all the baby weight, but my body doesn't look like it did before I had my baby.  And it never will.  My hips are wider.  I have a little mommy tummy that may or may not eventually go away.  Overall, I feel softer all over, as if my body has relaxed into motherhood.

Skin.

My anything-but-clear skin is the one change that I didn't expect at all, and the only one that truly bothers me more than once in a while.  I had heard that sometimes women get bad skin during pregnancy, but my skin was clearer than ever, so I didn't expect that postpartum, I would have the worst  skin I've ever had.  (Easily three times worse than the worse breakout I had as a teenager, only daily).  Just so you don't think I'm exaggerating, here is what I'm facing (no pun intended): three or more new pimples daily, plus the ones from previous days that are in the process of healing, plus the scars and "marks" from the past several months that are very visible.  It's so bad that I often don't want to leave the house.  It has taken a considerable amount of humility (and courage) to write about it in this post.  This isn't a common postpartum experience, but it does happen.  I'm hoping that it will clear up considerably after I stop breastfeeding, but despite my insecurities, I'm willing to suffer poor skin for a while longer so my daughter can get the best nutrition for as long as possible. 

Breasts. 

This is another one that really gets me.  It's not the shape, size, or "perkiness" that I'm worried about; since I'm still breastfeeding, I really don't have any idea what they will be like after my baby weans.  What bothers me is the, uh, "unevenness".  If you aren't very familiar with breastfeeding (I wasn't before I got pregnant and read tons of books), a baby doesn't usually empty both breasts at each feeding.  Which means that one breast is always bigger than the other.  I hope that it's only noticeable to me because I'm aware of it, but unfortunately, I don't think that's always the case.

Although this probably belongs in a separate post about breastfeeding, there is a bit of discomfort that comes from breastfeeding when I go long periods of time without feeding Lucia or pumping.  In the perfect world, I would never have to go that long without pumping, but sometimes things get in the way.  I truly love nursing my baby and the thought of her weaning makes me sad, yet there is little part of me that wants to rebel against having to arrange my schedule around breastfeeding.

Attitude.

Ah, this is probably the biggest and definitely the most positive exchange I've experienced.  Although I know some women have the exact opposite reaction, for me childbirth and pregnancy made me more confident in my body.  Yes, there are some changed that I view negatively.  I sometimes experience self doubt and poor body image as the result of some of these changes.  But overall, I have developed an attitude of gratitude and awe about my body.

No longer to I think of my body in terms of what it looks like, but instead in terms of what it can do.  My body protected and nourished a baby from one cell at conception to eight pounds at birth.  It can birth a child completely naturally without medical interventions or pain medication.  It created the sole source of sustenance that my daughter received for the first six months of her life (and that still makes up the majority of her nourishment). 

It's not just the big things my body can do that I celebrate, it's the little things.  I can bend down and pick up my daughter.  I can walk around a grocery store buying food for my family.  I can make love to my husband.  I can mop the floors and scrub the counters.  I can roll on the floor and tickle my baby.  I can live and provide a life for my family.

How has your body changed since becoming a mother?

What can you do to concentrate more on the wonderful things your body can do instead of how it looks?