Spacing Babies

 

When Becky hosted a Women Connect linkup a few months ago, I wrote the post I didn't want to write about struggling financially.  The linkup prompted me to write about something that had been on my mind for a long time, but I had been too {scared, nervous, embarrassed, depressed} to share.  It was  such a relief to let it all out.  I received support and feedback from women (and a few men) who had been there or who were currently in a similar situation, and left feeling encouraged.  Becky's hosting another link up and once again I'm writing that post, the one I've half written and erased a dozen times in the last few weeks, the elephant in the room.

For Valentine's Day, my parents bought my 14 month old, Lucia, her first baby doll.  She's a natural little mama, feeding her baby a bottle and patting her to sleep.  Watching my baby love mother her baby doll brings me to tears.  She would be an amazing big sister.

I once read that the best gifts you can give your child are siblings.  Companions.  Life long friends.  Shoulders to cry on.  Partners in crime.  Others who know where you've come from and really, truly understand because they've been there too.  I totally believe that - my little brother, my only sibling, means the world to me - and I'm so ready to give Lucia a little brother or sister.

My body has had ample time to recover from childbirth.  While there will always be new challenges, I feel like I've got this motherhood thing down and I have so much extra love to share with another little one.  I know this isn't exactly a common feeling, but I was ready to get pregnant again when Lulu was five minutes old. 

Lucia just started walking.  We're only nursing a few times a day now.  She's so independent.  Much more toddler than baby.  I love holding my little girl's hand and going for a walk with her.  I love watching her touch her toes as she listens to "Head, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes" for the millionth time.  I love scooping her up and hugging and kissing her when she falls.  I thought I wouldn't love any stage as much as the baby stage, but I have loved each one just as much!  I don't wish Lucia was still a baby, but I feel my heart and home is ready for a baby again.

My husband feels the same way.  We've always wanted a large family.  Since we first started dating, our "ideal" number of children has been stuck at five, but sometimes I think I want even more.  When I became a mother, it felt like the most natural thing in the world to me.  I was finally the person God created me to be.  I've wanted to be a mother since I held my first baby doll and it has been everything I thought it would be.

Are there hard days?  Absolutely!  Are there times when I feel like the worst mother that has ever or will ever live? Yep.  But those moments are fleeting for me.  I recently read an article that said parents report happiness at lower levels than non-parents and I just did. not. get. that. at. all.  The joy I have as a mother cannot even compare to my life before baby.

So if we are going to have a large family, it makes sense that we would start trying to conceive soon.  We are mentally and physically ready to grow our family.  But financially, we just aren't there.  David is working part-time while he continues to look for a job in his field.  I work part-time as a teacher.  And we live with my parents.

I'm not one to think they you have to have an established career, a house, and a large savings account in order to have a baby.  We had Lucia when we were living on David's grad school stipend and it was the best thing we've ever done.  {Yes, she was planned.}  Money was tight, but we were super thrifty (against popular belief, babies have very little material needs, especially in those early months, and nearly everything can be found secondhand).  We made it work.  

Technically, we could make it work with another little one right now.  With Lucia's hand-me-downs, I can't think of a single thing we would need for the next baby.  While my parents think we should be more financially stable before growing our family, they would be thrilled to have another grandchild.  They abhor the thought of us moving out and not spending time with Lucia every day, so they would actually LOVE having the next grandchild in their home.  Without having to pay rent, we are able to make it financially and can even save a little.  David has great health insurance (and the price doesn't increase with additional children).

Yet despite the fact that we could get by, we know that we just aren't in the right place.  And that hurts.  Although my parents would love to have us here forever, we are ready to have a place of our own, even if it's just a small apartment.  While we are making ends meet, we are still carrying around quite a bit of financial stress, which would only be exacerbated by the responsibility of providing for another little one.  If my husband gets a job soon, that may mean yet another out of state move and I'm not sure how I would handle a baby and a toddler in a new place without a support system.

That's where we are now, anyway.  We use Natural Family Planning, so we evaluate monthly whether we have serious reasons to continue to avoid pregnancy or whether we can be less strict about abstaining on fertile days.  Maybe next month will bring a job for David or just a change of heart.

Two years apart seems like the perfect spacing for siblings, but I'm making my peace with the fact that that might not be God's plan for our first two babies.  Who can plan that perfectly anyway?  Even with charting my cycles and knowing exactly when I ovulate, it took us four months to conceive Lucia.   Making babies isn't an exact science, it's an act of faith, hope, and love.